Choices

Each and every one of us makes choices about life and death every single day.  We make those choices by how we care for our bodies, how we care for our children and pets.  We make those choices at end of life sometimes for our loved ones.  The power of life over death, the dominion over life is a grave responsibility, yet often life is chosen when death is the more humane answer.  Death is not our enemy, it is often our friend.  There used to be an old saying “Pneumonia is an old man’s best friend.”  The truth in that lies in the fact that aging is often a debilitating and painful process.  Pneumonia ended that process and allowed us to transform into the next stage of life~~through death~~whatever that stage may be.  Now we have invasive and aggressive medical care that prolongs life past the point of dignity, it often violates the sanctity of life and we live in a society that fears death to such an extreme that any life is worth living, as long as it can be medically sustained.  We are all faced with life and death choices at some point in our life.  Our character will be defined by how we respond to those choices.  Our capacity for compassion will be tested by how we respond to those choices.  Our degree of courage will be graded by how we respond and most of all, how we shape the sanctity of life is decided by how we respond when faced with choices that impact the quality of life.  They are not easy choices.  

Women are and always have been the backbone of those choices.  We as a gender did not ask for it, it was placed upon our shoulders long ago, when people were forming societal roles.  We have, for the most part, shouldered that burden without complaint, without support, and without recognition.  We are the caretakers.  We have accepted this burden as a gender because we are viewed as the emotional and even more compassionate counterpart to the male gender.  While I would disagree that the male gender is less compassionate, historically speaking the male gender is less stoic about caring for the aging, weak and disabled members of their family in a direct role.  It is the rare male who will give up his career to become the primary caretaker for a family member.  Women do it all the time, even giving up careers to care for the parents of their spouse.  We make decisions regarding the healthcare of others and those decisions are respected with reverence.  When it comes to making healthcare decisions about our own bodies, we instantly become incapable, lacking sufficient judgment to make those decisions for ourselves.  When it comes to planning our own life and family, again we are legislated by a predominantly male dominated patriarchal society into an assumption of being too ignorant to make a sound decision.  When we assert that we are indeed capable and proficient at making such a decision, we are called derogatory names.  

Human beings are sexual beings.  One does not and cannot exist without the other.  Sexuality colors every aspect of how we define who we are, the person we present to be, and the person we strive to become.  Sexuality is comprehensively more than the sexual act.  Historically, women have had their sexuality defined for them by the men in society.  That worked on some level for thousands of years.  It worked in the United States until women advocated for the end of slavery.  The Abolitionist Movement opened up the eyes of women to realize that while we were not in evident iron shackles, we were indeed shackled.  We fought for the freedom of slaves and the black men we risked our lives to free were granted more rights than we had.  Not much has changed since then.  That is the reality of the women’s movement.  We have fought for equality ever since and have gained ground at a snail’s pace.  Every time we demand as a gender to have the same rights afforded to men we are called names.  It doesn’t matter what the fight is, the names all amount to a derogatory and defaming affront on the very gender regarded with such nobility when caring for others.  There is a war on women right now and it is terrifying.  Our sexuality is at risk.  We are being chained into the constraints of what men think we should be, and how men think we should behave.  That hasn’t worked well in the past and it’s not going to work well progressing (as opposed to regressing) into the future.  Men have not guarded their own sexuality with any degree of reverence.  They want a saint for a wife and a whore in the bedroom.  When a woman has been groomed by her parents to be a saint, she doesn’t adjust well to being a whore in the bedroom.  That is where the sexual relationship in marriage often becomes divergent as the sexual freedom a man has assumed to be free to explore has not been the same experience for the woman.  A woman was raised and groomed to be pious.  Society is changing its views on sexuality, but it is changing at the cost of women’s dignity.  If a woman is raised to own her sexuality, she can be a whore in the bedroom and a saint outside of it.  If a woman is raised with an aspirin between her legs she can only be a saint and her husband often looks for the whore somewhere else.  Like men, women are sexual beings.   Unlike men, when women dare to express their sexuality in terms of sex, they are sluts and whores.  Should they dare to become pregnant, it is proof they are an unworthy whore and men abandon them in favor of finding the saint they desire for a wife.  Personally, I don’t understand how a married pregnant woman is revered for becoming a mother because a baby is precious while an unmarried pregnant woman does not carry a precious baby but rather a bastard.  That’s a discussion for another day.

While I was married, I was monogamous.  Sex is an intimacy shared between a husband and wife exclusively.  It is a commitment of love.  When sex is expressed through a loving relationship, it is unrivaled.  No other sexual experience can equate to the emotional bond created through sexual expression.  Between my first and second divorce, sex was a complicated issue because I was raised a saint.  I also bought into the societal shackling of sex outside of a committed relationship was dirty and immoral.  It left me without a vital part of who I am.  Without owning my sexual identity, I could only identify my self-worth in a mirrored image through the eyes of a man.  It was a lonely and unfulfilling way to live.  So I compromised and satisfied the need for sex and intimacy through serial monogamy.  I had boyfriends with whom I had sex with one at a time.  It helped ally the stigma of having sex.  It did not help me to form the firmament of a solid relationship with a man, nor did it help me become a whole person.  My identity was still in the eyes of the beholder.  In between “relationships,” I found I still wanted to have sex.  It was a need just like food or water.  

The first time I had sex (called a one night stand) for the sake of fulfilling that need, I was devastated.  I had now become the dreaded whore.  It took a long time before I did it again; the shame prevented me from having sex for quite a while.  Alcohol does wonders for stripping away the shackles of shame.  It took a lot of alcohol for me to be comfortable enough to have sex.  Through alcohol, I graduated from the lowly whore to becoming the infamous slut.  Over the years I have come to discover that expressing sexuality is no more deviant than expressing joy or happiness.  It is a part of the human experience.  The shame derived from having sex has been bestowed upon women by men almost exclusively.  It really was genius on their part.  How better to guarantee ownership of a woman than to convince her that her pussy was so special in marriage no other women’s pussy was better?  And if a woman had sex outside of marriage, then that pussy no longer had any desirable value?  I have a news flash for you.  Pussy is pussy and one woman’s is no more valuable than another’s.  Men have known that since inception.  Women still think their pussy is better than the woman’s next to them.  The difference between a woman and a whore is not that they have sex, but why they have sex.  A woman has sex because she owns her sexuality.  She chooses her sexual partner from her own desires and she chooses what type of relationship (if any) she has after engaging in sex.  A whore has sex for an ocean of other reasons.  I maintain I am no longer a whore.  When I engaged in sex to gain the attention and approval of a man, I was a whore.  I am now a woman capable of making her own sexual decisions.  I don’t need anyone’s approval to be a sexual human being.  I don’t need anyone’s approval to express and satisfy a vital part of who I am.  I reject those who would shame me for it.  

The desire for sex is not a choice.  People have chosen abstinence for various reasons and it hasn’t worked out well in the overall scheme of things.  That should tell us something.  Look at the Catholic priests.  In theory, they are supposed to be abstinent, but pedophilia aside, history is littered with pregnant nuns and secret families in the priesthood.  It was never God’s will we should be celibate.  The only segment I can think of that maintains abstinence (besides nuns) is the monks.  I’m not convinced they don’t at least masturbate.  Sex is a drive that can be controlled, but not annihilated.  The need for sex has been hardwired into our DNA to ensure the survival of our species.  We have to have sex.  The only choices we have in sexual matters are who, when, where and how.  To not have sex is not an option.  Therefore, having sex is a part of the human condition and should be treated with the same regard as we give to any other aspect of our humanity.  Neither men nor women should be denigrated because they were born sexual beings.  

That said, there are consequences to having sex.  The spread of AIDS forever changed how we viewed multiple sexual partners and made us aware of sexually transmitted diseases in a way we never addressed before.  Thanks to widespread education, we know how to protect ourselves from contracting disease while participating in a sexual experience.  The other consequence to having sex is unintended pregnancy.  The methods we have available to preventing pregnancy are infinitely better than they were over twenty years ago when I found myself pregnant, but they are not infallible and not every unintended pregnancy is the result of a failed birth control method.  Some pregnancies result from a violent sexual assault, some result from pressure from an abusive partner.   Women are at a grave disadvantage here.  Men have not responded well to their responsibility when an unplanned pregnancy presents itself.  It would be a far better society if they responded with the honor a pregnant woman deserves, but that is not the society we live in.  The first words out of their mouth is likely “I’m not the baby daddy!” soon followed by “I need my space, you’re smothering me.”  That is, if they stick around long enough to say the last sentence.  Regardless, (and this is not to put the hate on the men who do stick around, but really, while I do admire the fact you are not like the rest of your gender, it is not a great honor to simply do the right thing.) women carry the burden and the cost of raising children.  Even if the children are born in wedlock, marriages are more apt to fail and just try to get a man to pay child support.  That is how I ended up on welfare with two young girls.  They were born in wedlock and I did not have access to birth control with the second daughter.  She is loved beyond reason, but she was not planned.  Being pregnant against my will kept me in an abusive marriage another three years.  

Having access to birth control is about more than prohibiting promiscuity, if you believe the right wing religious nuts.  Inside the marriage I was trapped because I could not control whether or not to become pregnant.  Just say no to your husband when he wants sex and see where that gets you.  The choices I had were to pay for shoes for my toddler or hope I didn’t get pregnant.  It’s a ridiculous choice, one that should not require my servitude to a man who assaulted and raped me regularly.  I use this specific example because marriage is condoned with the right wing nut jobs.  Access to birth control should not be limited to a woman’s marital status.  The cost of birth control pills compared to condoms is negligible.  A woman should have control over her reproduction even inside of a marriage, but equally so if she is not married.  Being pregnant is not equivalent to a state of illness, but it does present significant risks to a woman’s health.  If all goes well, and with proper medical care, pregnancy is a natural state for a woman’s body to exist in.  Even in optimal conditions, though, the consequences of one medical abnormality can be devastating to a woman’s health status.  We should not be at the mercy of men when it comes to risking our own health for the potential life of another.  We should be able to decide for ourselves if we want to risk our life to bring another one into the world.  How it is we are revered when caring for a loved one in times of serious illness and capable of making health care decisions for them but we cannot be determined to be knowledgeable and capable enough to make health care decisions for our own bodies?  It is a dichotomy that makes absolutely no logical sense.  Laying aside the issue of abortion for the moment, let’s talk about the financial cost of an unplanned pregnancy.  The medical care for the pregnancy and birth alone can bankrupt a family without insurance, but if the family qualifies for assistance, it is a cost borne by the taxpayers.  The cost to the taxpayers does not end there, either.  In too many cases, these children are on the welfare role for much if not all of their life.  It doesn’t make a bit of sense as a society not to provide birth control pills and prevent the burden to the welfare system from landing on our shoulders.  I truly do not understand this argument for declining the cost of birth control.  We can’t afford NOT to provide it.  Then there is the psychological cost to unplanned pregnancies.  By that I mean the woman who has more children that she can mentally and emotionally care for.  The result is always neglected and abused children.  Society is eager to blame the mother for not providing for her children, for being abusive to her children, but who forced her into having children she was not mentally and emotionally able to care for?  Society crucifies the mother for providing life to an unplanned pregnancy while caught in the cycle of subjugation by men.  Society provides little in the form of resources after the baby is born.  Welfare does not begin to meet the needs of a child or a family.  It is an entitlement system meant to prevent death, and that is all it does.  It is a survival mechanism.  

The only argument remaining for denying birth control comes down to religion.  It is a sad and frankly unbelievable fact that the United States of America is even having this discussion.  In two thousand years nothing good has come from the government being controlled by religion.  Every major blight in history marked by murder and mayhem has been perpetrated in the name of religion.  It doesn’t matter if you call it Christianity or Muslim, the most horrific crimes perpetrated upon man have been committed in the name of a God.  That is the primary reason that has driven me far away from anything to do with religion or in the name of any God.  Again, a story for another day, but I can’t be alone in this.  My belief in a higher power, a God, if you will is grounded in inherent good, not murder and not subjugation.  To deny all women coverage for birth control because of the beliefs of a few religious zealots goes against everything America stands for and was built upon.  America was not built nor founded in Christianity.  It was founded in the principle that we had the freedom to practice religion as we are morally compelled to do, not by the order of our government.  That is why the colonial people fled their native lands, because their homelands were being dictated by a government whose policy was dictated by religion.  The right wing has the nerve to call themselves Patriots.  It is not patriotic to force your religious beliefs upon the will of another.  It belies every principle of our founding fathers, the father you claim to revere.  Use whatever argument you think will appeal to the ignorant who justify their bias in these false “facts.”  It does not change the writing on the wall.  I see it clearly, and I can read.  This is about religion, nothing else.  It is not a financial issue.  If you don’t choose to utilize birth control, then don’t use it.  Do not enforce those beliefs upon the rest of the population.  

Finally, we get to the part of the story I have been avoiding.  I avoid it because it is painful, a discussion I don’t wish to have.  It is the motivating force behind my emphatic and passionate stance in the pro-choice movement.  I have said many times that in the truest sense of the word, I am pro-life.  I am against war in theory but recognize the necessity at times for its use.  I am for the death penalty in theory, but against it in application because the corruptions in the legal system cannot assure me an innocent man will not be put to death.  I value the sanctity of life which is a far different state from preserving life.  I see death as part of the continuum of life, not as the ending of life.  I value quality of life over quantity and have seen medical technology used to perpetuate evil against humanity by loving, decent people.  It comes down to the consequences of an unintended pregnancy and the long term effects of completing the pregnancy to term.  I’ve outlined the societal effects of an unplanned pregnancy in terms of the financial, emotional and physical costs.  An unplanned pregnancy affects more people than just the mother and society.  It affects dramatically the quality of life for any children which may already be a part of the family structure.  We need to clarify what a pregnancy really is, though.  

Emotions aside, religion aside (which really have no bearing on facts) a pregnancy is a parasite to the mother.  The only difference between calling it a parasite and a fetus is intent.  A baby cannot be called a human being until it is able to sustain itself outside of the uterus.  That is fact.  Until that point, it is a parasite upon the body of the mother. It can be loosely classified as the potential for a human being, nothing more.   It is a tumorous growth.  It is a state of abnormal cell propagation in a state not desired by the host.  This is not a discussion of legalities, when a mother who wants a child is assaulted and the death of the baby results.  This is a discussion about a woman who is capable about making choices for her body and her family.  This is a discussion about an unplanned pregnancy.  There is no such thing as a “personhood” at conception.  Sorry, right wing nut jobs, that makes no scientific sense in an argument.  Anything else points back to religion and I whole heartedly object to anyone placing their religious beliefs upon me.  Unless you have a brain capable of making decisions, a heart capable of sustaining life, lungs capable of providing oxygen (which does not occur until the 5 month at the very best) it does not qualify as a human life, but only the potential for life.  Have you ever looked at the potential in a boyfriend?  We all know where potential eventually leads and it tends to be an all or nothing event.  Most of the time, it ends in bitter disappointment.  If the pregnancy is unplanned and unwanted, its growth is a parasite.  It if the pregnancy is wanted (whether or not planned) it is a fetus.  It is pretty simple in my book.  Like I said, anything else points back to religion which has no bearing if you are placing your religious beliefs upon me.  

I won’t discuss the circumstances which led to my pregnancy, because some who propose to be pro-life (anti-choice) allow for certain circumstances in which abortion is permissible.  I don’t see where that is a point of argument, because the reason for abortion is not always the same as the circumstances of the pregnancy.  Abortion occurs because the woman has been placed in a position where she has to decide whether or not the potential for life is worth the risk to her health and worth the risk to her existing family.  The circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are irrelevant.  I will only say that I became pregnant NOT as a result of my own carelessness.  It doesn’t matter why I became pregnant, the result didn’t change.  At the time, I had two daughters whose welfare depended upon the decisions I would make for them.  The decision was placed upon me to continue a pregnancy or to terminate it.  It was not an easy decision, and it would drive me to the brink of my own moral convictions.  In my many years since, I have only come across one woman in person who viewed the termination of pregnancy as a cavalier decision, and one woman in the media who admitted to abortion as a means of birth control.  I found two women in over twenty years who represent the worst of the pro-choice movement.  Most of the women are like me.  We were in a difficult position and were responsible for making the best decision we could for ourselves, our family and the best decision to determine the best potential for the life growing inside of us.  Despite the complexity of the decision placed before us, most of us had to make that decision alone, without the perspective of the men who placed us in this position in the first place.  Even if the responsible male were involved, we know historically the bulk of the financial, emotional and physical responsibility for a potential child lay at our feet.  Just because a man is here now doesn’t mean he will be there in two years, ten or twenty.  That kind of commitment from men is rare.  

When I learned of my pregnancy, I was devastated.  First of all, I have never (despite having three wonderful and amazing girls) had the experience of a man ever being happy to learn I was pregnant.  I was in a tenuous and very precarious situation.  Again, the situation and the father of the potential baby are irrelevant because the father would have decimated my life, and the lives of the two girls I already had.  I was utterly alone in this decision.  In fact, I don’t think I have ever felt more alone in my entire life.  (I think it is important for you, my readers to know that even as I write this I am crying.  The reliving of this experience is that painful, but also that important to relay.)  This is not an easy piece to write.  Even after twenty years, I remember vividly how I felt when I realized I was pregnant.  My first daughter, I wanted so desperately I would have given anything to have her in my life.  Despite many hardships, I have never regretted having her.  My second daughter was unplanned and the result of an abusive husband but again, I have never regretted her being in my life.  Neither daughter did I question bringing into this world.  This potential child, however, brought far reaching ramifications not only to my life (which I did not value much at the time) but to the lives of my precious daughters.  At the time, I was in the middle of an acrimonious divorce from the first and profoundly abusive first husband.  He was not only stalking me, but placing my life and the lives of my precious daughters at significant risk.  This was at a time in legal history when the laws favored abusive men and the burden of proof was upon the battered wife to prove her husband was unfit.  The laws have improved since then, but they are not uniformly applied and an abused woman is still at significant risk and disadvantage.  I was so beaten down I had no value to my own life.  The only thing I could consider in my decision to have this child or not to have this child was how it would affect the lives of the children I already had.  I was already on welfare.  I had no means to provide for the children I had.  The system penalized me because child support was ordered.  The system assumed I was receiving the ordered child support so my entitlement was based on what they thought I should be receiving in income, not what I actually received.  My husband did not see fit to pay child support.  My utilities were always in shut off or about to be shut off.  My family was no help.  Not one of them would pay for my electric or water because I had left a “good man.”  He brought home a paycheck every week, which was all they required.  Society provided for what the law allowed and I was grateful for that.  Unfortunately, it did not provide for basic housing, utilities and food.  

I wrestled with demons in the coming weeks.  My spirituality dictated I have this potential life.  Reality did not support this.  When I looked at what a pregnancy would mean in practical terms, I could not justify the impact it would have upon my daughters.  When I read them stories at night, when I cooked them supper, I could not deny what a pregnancy would do to what potential THEIR lives held.  A pregnancy would not only further endanger our lives, (from the abusive husband) but it would endanger whatever the future may hold for the two children I already had.  I did not have enough resources to meet their needs.  Another child would significantly deplete the resources we already had.  Like I said, my life held no meaning at this point.  The only consideration I entertained was the impact another child would have upon the life of the precious daughters I was already responsible for.  At the end of the day, I could not justify bringing another child into a world where I could not provide for the two children I already had.  Additionally, having this child would place me and the girls at risk of harm and even death from my husband.  It was not a risk I was willing to take.  Adoption was not something I was not able to emotionally and mentally be able to cope with.  I had considered it as an option.   Furthermore, I considered what giving up a baby for adoption would do in the long term not only to my two existing children who were old enough to know their mother was pregnant, but to a child who in eighteen years might seek out the reason their mother kept two children, but not them.  Selfishly, I also knew I could not spend the rest of my life knowing there was a child of mine living a life I knew nothing about.  I saw no other choice but to abort this baby.  Yes, that’s right.  I said baby.  As hard as I try to say this is a parasite, that this is an unplanned pregnancy, that this is not a baby but a fetus with potential for life, I saw this pregnancy as a baby.  I wanted to have this baby.  I wanted to have this baby.  How much more selfish could I be when I realized what the impact would be to my daughters?  This was not a time to be selfish.  This was a time to make the hard decisions, a decision which would enable my daughters to have the best possible chance of life and the best possible chance of a future.  The fact that I was pregnant was not their fault and they should not have to pay for it by sacrificing their future.  I knew what I had to do.

I made the decision to abort this pregnancy and I contacted Planned Parenthood.  I honestly do not remember much about the discussion they had with me, my mind was already made up.  Nothing they could have said to me would have changed my reality.  Maybe if they had offered to buy me a home, and secure the future of my children I would have changed my mind, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  I barely hit their deadline, which was twelve weeks.  By the time I learned I was pregnant and wrestled with the decision, it was almost too late.  I was numb by the time I reached the clinic.  I wouldn’t allow myself to feel.  Emotions would not serve a purpose, I was defeated.  I saw the ultrasound.  It didn’t change my mind.  I knew what was at stake.  The nurses and the doctors were very professional, but not comforting.  This was treated as if I was ending a life, because in the mind of the professionals and myself, I was.  There were no smiles, no compassion.  It was a necessary evil.  It was clinical and quiet.  And I am still crying as I write this.  Over twenty year after I had the abortion I do not regret the decision.  It does not mean the decision carried less gravity, or that it does not remain painful.  Every December I take a few moments to grieve for the loss of the child I could have had.  I have never had a miscarriage, so I cannot speak to those emotions.  But I know I did not make the decision to have an abortion lightly, nor do I ignore that decision to this day.  I do feel confident it was the right decision, though it carries with it pain.  I do not regret the decision I made, only that I had to make it.  I wish I had never been in that position.  It is a painful and grueling position to be in.  Life went on.  

Hindsight is twenty twenty, so they say and if this is so then my decision was justified.  My daughters are flourishing.  Their future is far more secure than what it would have been had I martyred my pain to complete the pregnancy.  I live with the decision to abort the pregnancy.  It is not their burden to bear.  I live with each December (the month the baby would have been born) and quietly bear the pain of my grief.  It is a grief borne in solitude because it is a grief I can share with no one.  Society would shame me for the decision to abort the pregnancy.  There is no compassion for my pain.  I’m sure other women feel the same but we don’t talk about it.  Our grief serves no purpose; it doesn’t change the facts of our decision and society does not allow us to comfort our grief.    Since we don’t talk about it, I don’t know if other women grieve the loss, though I think they do.  I am not unique or special.  My pain is their pain as well.  We bear it with stoic resolution because to admit we feel pain would give the right wing nut jobs power to remove our choices.  We bear our pain in silence because like the moment we realized we were pregnant, we knew what was at stake.  Emotions are a luxury we cannot afford.  So like me, I think they also cry in silence and remember the month when their baby might have been born.  It is a heavy burden to bear.  I bear it with complacency because I know it could not have been any different.  My daughters should not have to suffer the consequences of my life.  They suffer enough as a result of the decisions I have made and the way I was raised.  Thus, though I have shared many things with them, this is one thing I have not discussed.  I don’t talk about my tears and I don’t talk about the cloud which covers my favorite month of the year.  Not only is Christmas in December, but so is it the month of my birthday.  It would have been the birthday month of my third child.  

Oddly, this was more painful to write than the entries regarding the sexual attacks from pedophiles when I was a child.  I didn’t expect it.  I can be logical about the realities of pregnancy, but I cannot separate the emotions from it.  I wanted that baby.  Despite how it was conceived, I wanted to be its mother.  I could not sacrifice the children I already had in order to service what I wanted.  I can’t say with certainty what may have unfolded had I carried the pregnancy to term.  There were other implications at play, but I know this.  My eldest daughter would not be graduating from medical school had I continued with this pregnancy.  I would not be who I am today had I continued with a pregnancy I was not emotionally and mentally able to handle.  That pregnancy would have broken the tenuous state I was already in.  Who knows what pressures it would have placed upon me?  Wanting to have the baby was not enough.  There is a higher call to duty than selfishness.  I wanted that baby.  It was not feasible for me to carry that baby to term and to raise it.  It might have been the straw that broke my back, and I am not a camel.  I am a woman.  I am a mother who placed the needs of her children above what I wanted.  I pay for that decision every December and I do not regret it to this day.  I am grateful given the current political climate I was able to legally choose what was best for me and my children.  Every choice results in consequences and I bear mine without complaint.