Sherrie Wants A Life

I woke up in the same dress I wore the night before.  I cried myself to sleep for the first time in my life.  For the first time, I felt what it was to have a life and I liked it.  For the first time, I connected with another human being, and I liked that, too.  For the first time, I felt a loss, disquiet in my heart.  I don’t care for that as much.  I feel empty inside.  That’s ironic, with all the people that share this one body.  But I do, I feel empty.  I got up and washed the make-up off my face, not that there was much left of it.  I had a busy day today, and I had better get to it.  I don’t have the luxury of allowing myself to dream about Landau, nor do I have the luxury of being able to be sad I can’t have such a simple thing as my own life.  I have to finish the day and give her back to herself.  First, coffee, then I have to start to work. 

I couldn’t concentrate.  All I could do was think of Landau.  The look in his eyes when he was inside of me, how intense the feeling was when he took my face in his hands and it sent waves of pleasure through my body.  It rocked my soul to its core and I didn’t know I had a soul.  I could still feel his touch, his caress on my skin.  My heart ached for him.  I longed to feel the warmth of his body lying next to mine.  I wanted to feel his breath on the nape of my neck.  I swear when I was lying curled up next to him he inhaled me.  Just lying next to him in the darkness I felt his soul, our energies intertwined with one another.  It was so powerful.  I’ve never felt anything like it, not even through her.  I wonder if this is what is meant by soul mates.  When he grabbed my hand in the restaurant, I felt a synergy, a life growing inside of me.  I couldn’t contain my desire for him and I’ve never wanted a man as intensely as I wanted him.  When he entered me it was as if I felt alive for the first time in my life.  I could still feel it as if it were happening right now.  There was a rush of warmth between my legs, and I came again at the mere thought.  This can’t be good.  My skin felt the morning air tingling softly against it.  I heard the birds singing and it felt as if they were singing for me.  Surely the sun rose today just so I would see the beauty in its rays.  Every breath I took smelled fresher than I could ever remember.  It smelled like that day I spent in the Gorge with my grandfather, crisp and new.  Maybe if I allow myself to bask in the afterglow, I could get on with work and forget him.  I went over every detail of last night in my mind, every sensation, every touch.  It only made me long for him more.  I can’t get him out of my mind, out of my heart.  My heart actually hurts not being with him.  My skin yearns for the gentleness in his touch.  I breathe deeply, trying to recapture the scent of his hair.  I am lost in the memory.  I have to see him tonight.  It might be the last chance I get to see him before I return her life to her.  Her life, why can’t I have mine?  This can’t be happening.  It can’t.  Maybe if I finish work, maybe if I see him tonight, the illusion of the memory will be shattered, the dream less intoxicating.  I worked through my day quickly, stopping at the same restaurants at about the same time, this time pretending to dine in.  I filled out the reports and headed out to the mall.  I needed a new dress. 

Shopping held no pleasure for me.  It was a means to an end.  I pick out the first dress I saw and changed into it in the dressing room.  I felt nervous and shy all at the same time.  I wanted to jump out of my skin!  I had to get back to the bar to see if he would be there tonight.  I had to see him one more time.  I bought the first pair of shoes I saw and this time I didn’t bother with jewelry.  My hair would have to do, but I rarely had a bad hair day.  I felt tingly all over at the anticipation of seeing him again.  What if he didn’t show?  I couldn’t entertain that thought.  All day long I could think of nothing else but him.  I felt him beside me as I robotically performed the functions of her day.  I did her/my job, Landau was what I was doing for me.  The pain of being away from him was unbearable.  All day long there was wetness in my panties.  I changed them three times.  Oh my God, I must be insane.  My body is ripped with intensity.  I can’t stop how I am feeling.  I have to see him.  The thought never occurred to me he might not be there.  It simply wasn’t an option.  I arrived at the hotel with a sense of urgency. 

I breezed through the doorway, not taking notice of my surroundings.  My hopes were high, my resolution set.  As intensely as I felt these feelings, I knew he had to be feeling them, too.  He was with me every second throughout my day, I felt his touch, I smelled his body, and his soul wrapped mine in energy.  I couldn’t stop myself.  It didn’t make sense, these feelings were so overwhelming.  I usually am in such control of myself, I have control over the lives of all the others, I am the sensible one, the logical one and I can’t stop this storm in my body.  I rushed into the bar to see Ame and even the sight of him didn’t annoy me.  I tried to act cool and nonchalant as I walked to the same seat I held the day before.  Ame greeted me warmly. 

“I thought you would come back tonight!”  He smiled brightly.  OK, now he annoyed me.  “Did you enjoy your evening with Mr. Young last night?” 

His question threw me.  Who was Mr. Young?  Then I got it.  Mr. Young was Landau.  “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I did.”  I replied curtly.  I must want to see Landau really badly to put up with this smarmy guy.  I have no patience for him. 

“Very well, would you like to see him again?”  Ame inquired.  He wasn’t acting smarmy; he was actually quite the professional.  Still, what business was it of his?

“Why do you ask?” I replied.  I needed to know if Landau was coming tonight.  I better behave myself and pretend I enjoy his company. 

“Mr. Young has left specific instructions on the chance you might make an appearance tonight.  If you would like to see him again, I am to follow those instructions to the letter.  He also told me to be sure you knew that it would be his greatest desire for you to spend the evening with him.  You have made quite an impression on him.”  Ame said.

“And what are those instructions, before I would agree to another night?”  I asked my heart leaping and my breath increasing in ragged jags.  I swear I just creamed another pair of panties at the anticipation.  Yep, they were wet.  I didn’t have another pair, either.  Every sense in me was alive and electric.  My face was flushed, my pulse racing.  I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath though I knew I was breathing.  I’m sure Ame could hear my heart beating, pounding out of my chest. 

“I cannot say except I will tell you that he is to be informed immediately of your arrival, there are provisions already at your disposal and he wanted me to assure you that for tonight, you are his only priority, should you decide to grace him with your company.”  Ame said rather flatly, as if he were offended at the overture made on my behalf.  Prick, I thought.  I can see it on your face; you thought you had a chance with me until Landau came around.  So not!  I wouldn’t sleep with you with someone else’s pussy.  I’ve seen that look before, though.  He has me labeled as a gold digger because I wouldn’t lower myself to him.  He thinks I am with Landau because of what he affords to me.  Idiot, I came back because I don’t seem to have a choice.  I am caught in how he looks at me.  No amount of money and pampering could buy that look.  He looks at me as if he knows what I am feeling, as if he has known me for a lifetime.  He looks at me with a longing, a desire of the ages.  I have known him forever but spent precious few hours with him.  I glared at Ame in return.  I couldn’t hide my contempt for him, and now I knew I didn’t have to. 

“You may inform Mr. Young I am here, and that I am looking forward to his company.”  I replied with coldness I didn’t know I was capable of.  I didn’t like Ame. 

“Very well, follow me.”  Ame said, returning my contempt.  How can I say “I don’t give a fuck” and still be a lady?  I decided it couldn’t be done. 

We entered the same dining room as the night before, except there were no other diners.  The musicians were still playing, as if they had an audience.  I found this odd.  Their music rippled through my skin, lighting it up.  Ame led me to the same booth, where an arrangement of the same flowers was waiting for me.  It was déjà vu; there was a bottle of champagne and a tray of cheese and fruit.  I have to say, I was impressed at some superficial level, but I couldn’t wait until he was with me again.  The sparkling of the crystal seemed more alive, more animated than last night.  Every sense in my body, every smell I lived seemed more vivid than it was.  I felt ethereal.  I don’t know how else to say it, I felt ALIVE!  The candlelight danced a provocative flicker, and I came again.  Damn, pretty soon it was going to start dripping down my legs.  My panties were lacy, not meant to handle this level of protection.  Maybe I should have worn granny panties.  They are built to handle this amount of moisture, and then some.  Then again, I’m thinking things my granny never imagined.  Ame is so stupid, to think any of this impresses me.  It is Landau I want, not all the frivolities.  Even the music playing in the background seemed alive.  Life, that is a concept I never really considered before.  Is it possible that I live?  It was dripping down my legs as I took my seat in the booth.  Ame was silent as he opened the champagne to pour me a glass.  He left without saying a word.  I reached down in between my legs and felt the soft warmth of my desire.  I wiped it on my fingertip and brought it to my lips.  It was such a turn on, warmth flooded in between my legs.  It didn’t taste fishy, as I had read.  It was rather bland, but sweet.  It barely had an odor.  I licked it off, enjoying the sensation.  I imagined it was Landau tasting what he had brought out in me.  That brought my desire to a near frenzy.  I couldn’t imagine containing myself once he arrived. 

It was all surreal.  He had arranged everything as if it were the first time.  He clearly entertained the hope I might return, he planned for it.  I inhaled again, deeply.  I closed my eyes and lost myself in the music, in the memory of the night before.  I drank the champagne and allowed the effervescence bubble up in my veins, and light my body in tingling warmth.  I intentionally sat with my back towards the door; I didn’t want him to see the eager anticipation in my face.  It wasn’t long until he arrived. 

“Sherrie, I’m so glad you could join me.  I’ve arranged to have this dining room to ourselves tonight; the musicians are at our disposal.  The night is yours and I promise your pleasure will be my only concern.”  Landau slid into the seat across from me.  “We didn’t spend any time getting to know each other last night, and I would like to correct that.”  His cologne was intoxicating. 

“Thank you for making everything so comfortable for me.  It makes it very easy to wait on you.”  I wasn’t going to let him know I would have waited much longer in far less comfort.  He had my interest and I didn’t have a lot of time to waste.  I had to give the body back to her tonight. 

“Ah, yes” Landau replied with a twinkle in his eye.  “A true measure of a man is one who would not keep a woman waiting on his own behalf, but would wait until the end of time on hers.  In that regard, I have failed, and I do feel miserably because of it.  In my defense, however, I did not know when or even if you would make an appearance this evening.  You left me last night without knowing your last name or how to get into contact with you.” 

“I want to keep it that way, at least for now.  I don’t know any more about you than you do me.  A woman has to be careful in this world.  As you said, we didn’t spend much time last night getting to know one another, I met you in a hotel bar and all I really know is that you are here on business of a less than delicate nature.  You could be married, have a family or at the very least in a relationship.  You could be my worst nightmare in an expensive suit.  You could be a republican.”  I didn’t actually care about politics; I didn’t keep up with current events.  Hell it’s all I can do to keep up with her life, and the lives of the others.  I know how to give the illusion of a world view, though. 

Landau laughed.  “I assure you, there are far worse things than being a republican, though I would have to give it some thought.  No, I am not a republican.   I don’t consider myself a democrat, either.  I find politics droll and commerce driven, a perversion of a democratic society.   Since a democratic society is itself a myth in today’s construct, I have disavowed myself from it.  Didn’t anyone teach you there are three things you don’t discuss in polite society when you want to get to know someone?  Religion, politics and sex will kill a friendship faster than money.  So we have covered two out of three, do you want to talk religion?  I don’t believe in it.  That’s my religious theory.  There you have it, you know everything about me.  Oh, and no I’m not married, not in a relationship and have no children.  Anything else?”  He refilled my champagne and poured himself a glass as well.

“Well that should cover it; I’m ready to get married.”  I laughed.  I actually laughed!  I can’t remember the last time I did that.  God, I must be hormonal.  I spent last night crying, all day long in a flux of hormonal chaos, and now I’m laughing.  What is happening to me?  Am I acting like a normal person?  Ha, now that is rich.  Me, a person who isn’t, acting like a normal person.  

“Whoa, now not so fast. “  Landau smiled.  “What if you’re a republican, after all, you didn’t deny it.  And your religious views?  You might be a Catholic Republican, dear god save us all from them!  I’m not so easily swayed by your beauty; I need to know more about you before we marry.” 

I smiled in return.  What was this I was feeling?  Is this what they call happiness?  Could I be happy?  I couldn’t seem to stop myself from smiling.   “No, I’m not republican, nor am I Catholic.  I do not believe in religion either.  I find is serves the weak to avoid responsibility for their actions and to perpetrate the spread of mythology.  I am not married, not in a relationship & I do not have any children.  There, now can we get married, I’m kind of in a hurry, the biological clock and all.”  I actually giggled at the end of that sentence.  My lord, what the hell was wrong with me?  I need to give her the body back before I do something I might not be able to take back.  After all, in the mood I’m in, I could see a quick flight to Vegas for a quickie wedding.  I wonder how we would manage to pull that off. 

Landau raised an eyebrow with this smile.  He’s not entirely certain whether I am kidding about the marriage part or I’m one of those biological clock psycho women.   “OK, it’s agreed, we know enough about each other to get married.  Can I have a dance before we walk down the aisle?”  He stood up and extended his hand to me.  I didn’t recognize the name of the song the musicians were playing, but it was beautiful.  I put my hand in his and allowed myself to be led onto the dance floor.  I wasn’t in the mood to play any romantic mind games; I just wanted to live in the moment.  When I stood up, I felt as if I were walking on air, my feet never felt the cold hard marble floor.  He moved with incredible grace and precision, as if his body was fluid with the air.  We were on the dance floor before I realized I didn’t know how to dance.  Help!  I yelled inside my head, Lauren knew how to dance, I needed her to share the moment with me. 

“Hey,” Lauren said as she appeared.  “I’ve got this, but don’t expect me to stick around all night with you.  I’m enjoying the show from inside.  She would have a fit if she knew what you were doing with her body.  But then again, she would have a fit if she knew what any of us did with her body.” 

“Thanks Lauren, you’re a life saver.”  I replied as I let her lead the body we were now sharing.  People don’t know multiples can have more than one personality out at once.  Most of us cooperate so we all can have some fun.  Lauren controlled the movements while I kept the rest.  Our conversation took place entirely in the vacuum of our thoughts.  He danced as exceptionally as he moved, every fluid stride swept into the next.  Lauren kept time with him perfectly.  She really made me look good.  At least, I think she did.  I was lost in Landau’s eyes.  Neither of us noticed when the music had stopped.  The musicians began another song, but all of a sudden, the world ceased to exist as they played.  Landau halted as naturally as he danced and we stood still, breathless and silent in the moment.  Without a word, he took my face in his hands, leaned over and kissed me.  It was a gentle, tender, loving kiss.  It hinted at the passion of the previous night, but it was lingering, a deeper kind of kiss.  My emotions welled into it, and while time stood still, our souls connected.  I felt as if I had known him a lifetime, forever.  This is bad, really bad.  I broke away from him, stunned. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go.”  I said.  I felt like I had to get out of here, leave before I got in any deeper.  Maybe it was too late already, I didn’t know, but I knew staying any longer would make it more difficult to leave when I had to.  I rushed back to the table to get my purse.  He was right behind me.

“Sherrie, please don’t go.  You are so beautiful, I had to kiss you, I didn’t mean to offend you.”  Landau looked truly pained and confused. 

“No, Landau, it’s nothing you’ve done, I just have to go. I can’t explain it, but I have to go.”  I turned to walk out the door.  He grabbed my arm, spinning me around.

“Wait, I want to see you again.  My schedule is very busy, but I will make accommodations.  May I have your number?”  I looked into his eyes, searching for what?  He looked sincere.  I can’t give him my number, I don’t have one.  Only she does.  Also for the first time, I felt a twinge of jealously that she got to have a life and I didn’t.  I want one of my own.  It’s not fair!  

“No, you can’t have my number, but I will take yours.  I will be out of town for the next few days, but I can call you when I get back.”  It was the only explanation I had for not being able to see him while she had her body.  I’m pretty sure the truth is not an option here.  “I would like to see you again, too.”  He pulled a business card out of his inside jacket pocket and I shoved it into my purse without looking at it.  He leaned in to kiss me goodbye but I gave him the friend kiss.  I couldn’t risk allowing him to kiss me again like that, I might not ever leave.  With that, I spun around and walked out of his life.  It has to be forever, but I don’t know I can promise that.  I want a life.  I want Landau.  I want kids, a marriage, a garden.  I want everything she’ll never be able to give us.