Saturday, August 8, 2015

Sex and Pussy; A Journey Through the Decades Part 3

My failed marriage taught me a great deal about sex, but my golden pussy remained as mysterious as ever.  I had learned a lot about it, especially with regard to orgasms.  I had yet to learn what the hell a G-Spot or a clitoris was, and I had a lot to learn about men's implied ownership of that particular part of my body. I understood men seemed to own it and though I hadn't yet come to the realization I had been raped in my marriage; I didn't understand why I didn't own it.  It was a part of my body.  I had yet to learn how many types and forms of sex there were, and which ones I would like.  My pussy still felt like it was golden and special since that was what remained in the abstinence only teaching.  The damage that course did was to take the better part of three decades to overcome.  Abstinence only teaching does far more than teaching women men own their pussies.  It teaches us sex is something they enjoy, we have a duty to ensure they enjoy it, and we are completely responsible for the consequences despite the fact it takes two people to participate.  It is not a shared responsibility.  It teaches us we owe men sex anytime they bestow upon us the slightest bit of attention or effort, but that sex should be used as a reward for marriage.  It is the carrot we use to lure men into giving us the all access pussy pass, the wedding ring.  The engagement ring can be used as a conditional promise of the wedding ring, thus giving a man the right to ask for sex, but not quite owning the golden pussy.  While I would sometimes hear a sound bite or two which helped to give some thoughts to my growing collection of thoughts, I wondered how women learned these things or came to those conclusions.  Sex wasn't something you talked about, and it remained mired in shame for me.   

I felt absolutely no guilt or shame over my affair with Mike.  I didn't know why.  I should have felt guilt.  I had cheated on my husband.  I had broken my marriage vows and had become a tainted woman, but I had learned far too much to feel the guilt.  I didn't even feel shameful.  Mike gave me far more than exciting, clandestine meetings.  He opened up the possibilities of what sex could be, a glimpse of what it was supposed to be.  He taught me sex was something of a skill and that it wasn't just something that "came naturally."  To be good at it, you had to learn what pleases the other person and to push your boundaries into exploring ways to have sex other than the missionary position.  The day he took me into the back room of the store was one I will never forget.  I consider that day the true day I lost my virginity.  We had sex standing up, it was consensual and not only did I want it to happen, I found it to be something I immensely enjoyed.  The glow of that encounter lasts to this day.  I have no desire to be with Mike, he isn't someone I would want in my life now.  He gave me a gift, a cornerstone with which to build the inner core of my sexuality.  I had read about the feelings women should have with sex, but I had never experienced any of them with my husband.  I had begun to think of those stories as fantasies, like the elusive unicorn.  When I read them, my pussy throbbed with longing and desire, but what I knew of sex was disappointing that longing. The books and stories had made me come to resent sex because it felt like it was a big lie being told to trick women into relationships.  Mike showed me it was not a lie.  The unicorn was real, and it was fanfuckingtastic!   

It was an interesting dichotomy.  Sex with my husband felt shameful, dirty.  I felt less of a person because of it.  Sex with Mike affirmed myself as a desirable human being, it felt right and it felt empowering.  It was a different kind of empowering than what was taught in abstinence class.  That taught me sex was a negotiating tool, and women had the golden cow.  This kind of power didn't feel like a negotiating tool.  It felt like something I owned, free to dispense as I saw fit.  It wasn't something to be sold, negotiated or traded for something else.  It felt like I had a gift I could give to myself at the hour of my own choosing.  I had no idea how this could be.  Shouldn't the opposite be true? Shouldn't sex with my husband affirm my femininity, my identity and my worth? I realized my husband was either a closeted homosexual or bisexual (I hadn't heard the term bisexual at this point) but sex ed did not prepare me in any way for having sex.  It didn't prepare me for the responsibility of it, nor did it prepare me for the complex and contradicting set of emotions it would elicit.  It had not prepared me in any way at all.  It seems criminal to call it sexual education.  The only thing I learned of value from it was about sexually transmitted diseases, and those were things that happened to other people, people who "slept around."  Isn't it interesting bad things always are problems "other people" face?       

I was learning so much, but I was soon to find out there was an enormous amount of information I still needed about sex and how it applied to me.  I needed to know how it affected me in ways I could not imagine, but that the same information would also conflict with new information as it becomes available.  While sex ed should not teach these things to children, I felt unprepared for sex as a person, and I felt cheated by what I was taught as a woman.  Sex ed class was a profound betrayal of what it meant to be a woman, a sexual human being, and how my pussy could be used to enhance the experience of being a woman.  Sex ed's only teaching was how it was to be used to gain a foothold into marriage, and how we were damaged for life if it was used for any other purpose.  This cripples and traumatizes young women.  Not being a man, nor having had any enlightening conversations about men's experiences and growth through sex, I can't offer any perspectives on what it does to men.  My opinion is that is damages men in similar profound and expansive ways.  If I felt I was being taught they were owed sex, it affects the way they are taught to treat women.  It places them at a distinct disadvantage as women learn this isn't true, it creates conflict where it didn't need to happen and leaves men just as confused about their sexual roles as we are.  They are left angry at women, when we are only trying to figure it out, not deny them what they believe are their rights.  We only know how we feel when we are treated as objects and possessions.  We aren't trying to emasculate them, we are trying to navigate a world on information built on lies.  I think in many ways, they aren't trying to subjugate us, but also trying to navigate a world based on the lies they were taught.  It sets us up for conflict, disappointment, bitterness, dishonesty and anger.  I believe most of the problems which lie between men and women begin with the lies we are taught in abstinence only class.   

1 comment:

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