Random Ideals

Many people have asked me how I could think of moving across country at my age.  I have a number of good, valid and logical answers, but it really is very simple.  I listened to my inner spirit, those voices in my head that whisper only as loudly as the fluttering wings of a butterfly.  We all have this ability, but most children are taught early in life to ignore those voices.  My parents never taught me the voices I hear were not valid.  Becoming an adult brought those voices into a light of madness, but eventually I did find them again.  We are multifaceted beings.  Our culture would have us believe that all of the things we are, all of the things we ever have been are not within a normal range.  A normal range is a myth dictated to us by someone else.  It is sad, really.  What has happened to our spirits is that the spirit has been put into a closet so to speak, and it prevents us from living an authentic life.  We tend to seek our identity as mirrored through the eyes of acceptance in others.  It is one of many ways we become disingenuous to the most important person in our life; ourselves. 

Acceptance should never be bartered or tendered.  Acceptance is a duty of the human experience.  Of course, there are some things that should never be accepted, such as abuse in any form toward any life, the unfair use of another human in order to attain personal gain, consumption of resources without regard for potential damage, discrimination in any venue, and disregard for the sanctity of life.  Just because we are human, we will accept, tolerate and proliferate unacceptable behavior at times; it is part of a learning experience.  Guilt and peer review serve to keep those behaviors in check but the trick to mirroring acceptance in our lives is to know when to discern between the feedbacks we are receiving.   People will often give feedback based upon their own prejudices, likes and dislikes, rather than objectively stating what is truly offensive and contrary toward the evolution of the spirit.

Humans are by their very nature selfish.  Evolution of spirit requires we learn to be selfless while maintaining a sense of self at our core.  It is not an easy task, one of which I fail frequently at myself.  At age forty eight, I am learning what compromises who I am.  I admit, I am a little late to the game, but then, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am always late.  Being late is a part of who I am, and this I accept.  Accepting this is a part of my nature does not afford me a free pass to be late everywhere I go, and every developmental stage I approach, it simply means I recognize this about myself and choose not to punish myself for something that is inherent about me.   I do not use being late as a part of my nature as an excuse, I make a concerted effort to be on time and to complete tasks in a timely manner, but I also know there will be times I do not succeed.  When I do fail being timely, I must accept the consequences of such failings. 

By the same token, when being on time or completing a task within a specific time frame is not of dire importance, those around me would hopefully also recognize being late is a part of who I am, much like my eye color or sense of humor.  They would accept this as simply a part of who I am, and love me anyway.  The people in my life who are important to me do exactly that.  Though a minor example, this is the finest example of unconditional love.  Unconditional love equates to unconditional acceptance.  No judgment is placed upon my character simply because I failed to meet the timeline of someone else. 

I understand it is not a “normal” thing for a single woman of my age to do, to pack up and move across the country seemingly on an impulsive move.  I received this feedback through a conversation with my eldest daughter, Eileen.  A mutual friend of ours expressed how happy and excited she was for me, but also wondered what would possess me to do such a thing.  This was followed by “Well, she is your mother, so I can see her doing it.”  Eileen replied to our friend with “I don’t know what caused her to do it, or what she is looking for, but I hope she finds it.”  One aspect to this feedback is what both were saying in essence is “That’s just Charisse, it’s something she would do.”  This is unconditional love and acceptance.  There was no judgment placed on my actions or decisions.  They both are supportive in what I need to do to lead a happy and successful life.  The other underlying and unstated aspect is that what I am doing is not normal.  Our friend and my daughter recognize this is not normal; and do not judge me for it, yet I could mirror acceptance through them from two frames of reference.  The first is of course that this move is not something a “normal” person would do, and undermine myself because I am again doing something that is not “normal.”  The second form of mirroring which I do reference is from the perspective that both of these women love me exactly the way I am and wish nothing but the best for me.  Neither women were privy to the months of introspective work which ultimately led to this decision, nor were they privy to the spiritual aspects leading to this adventure, so though it was viewed as an impulsive act, and something “Charisse” would do, neither of them needed to understand it in order to support me.  Ideally, this is how relationships of all types would function.  You can’t beat being loved and accepted just as you are!

If only the world we lived in at least strived for ideal.  While I was in nursing school, and through my transition into the reality of the actual role of the nurse, I often wondered and ranted against the education I received regarding what a nurse was, and what was expected of her.  During my clinicals, I was partnered with nurses who did not fit the model of a nurse I was being taught.  It was frustrating as I secretly vowed to be a better nurse than those I mentored with.  I vowed I would perform my job the “right” way.  I didn’t have to be in the real world of the nurse long before I figured out the nurse I was taught to be in school didn’t exist.  It wasn’t long before I was doing many of the same things I saw my mentors doing in the course of their day.  The education did not prepare me for the reality of employment and I was angry.  It reminded me of the time prior to parenthood when I looked at other people’s children and thought to myself “I would never allow my child to behave like that.”  Parenting looks very different when you have to be one for yourself.   Those were two pivotal lessons in my life as I realized the world looks very different when you walk in the shoes of judgment.  Learning a variety of perspectives broadens your understanding of humanity, and strengthens your ability to empathize with situations, people or events you may not have the capacity to understand through experience. 

People lie.  People lie all the time.  But there are some things people do not lie about, ever.  People do not accept the violence, humiliation and discrimination that came with declarations regarding their sexuality.  When people first “came out” with declarations about being homosexuals and lesbians, they were met with blatant hostility and rage.  Though I had a lot to learn about it, I never once doubted the people voicing their sexuality and the ensuing difficulties they faced were nothing less than honest.  I didn’t understand it, and I had no real life experience with it to relate to, but I accepted the gay and lesbian men and women at their word.  When I see on TV a man or a woman declaring they were born in the wrong body, I cannot refute what they say.  I have no experience or proof they have any reason to undergo such extreme measures as gender reassignment if that is not what their truth is.  I do have serious concerns about the men and women who also declare loudly that gay and lesbians are an abomination that can be cured of an affliction.  I do not understand how any educated person can make such a claim without substantial facts to back up their opinion.  There has been no evidence to suggest sexual orientation is an affliction to be cured.  There has been no evidence to suggest it is a birth defect, or that it should be treated as one.  Sexual orientation of a person simply is.  I was born heterosexual, so it seems to follow if a person says they are gay or lesbian, they also were born this way.  Ideally, people would not make judgments on things they have no experience or knowledge about. 

What my experience with nursing school taught me above all else is that the education I received was not meant to prepare me for the working world of a nurse.  Maybe it should have done more to prepare me for the real world, but nursing school taught me the “ideal” way I should perform my job.  The “ideal” is not reality, not even close to it, but just because “ideal” is not realistic to attain, doesn’t mean we should not try.  Yes, attempting to behave, perform and function toward and ideal is not reasonable and we are guaranteed to fail.  It still doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to attain an ideal.  It is a standard bar to set, and the bar is set very high.  Every time we set out to achieve the ideal we will by practical standards fail.  The alternative is unacceptable.  When we accept anything less than ideal is the best we can do, we lower the bar of standards to meet our own insecurities.  Nothing great is achieved through mediocrity.   Humane and humanity need to be more closely related to the human experience.  We have tolerated mediocrity for far too long, while giving up striving toward the ideals of what our world can be.  As we go about the business of living our life, we will fail every single day to attain an ideal world.  However, we should not look at these attempts to attain an ideal world as failures, but instead as lessons in what works versus what in our life does not work.  Mediocrity is not an option.  The only difference between humane and human is the letter e, yet humans often are not humane.  Let’s get back to trying to be better people than we were the day before. 

Throughout my life of being different, I was often treated harshly and judged unfairly by others.  During my time as a thief and a liar, maybe the judgment I received was fair, but it was uninformed and unenlightened.  It was something I came to expect from interacting with other people.  How I came to keep an open heart under these conditions, I cannot say, except it can only be attributed to an act of grace.  I could not have been anything other than who I was though I did try to change to meet the expectations of others.  I am not sure when I decided I liked who I am, and further decided to be happy in spite of people in my life trying to “help” me assimilate into “normal.”  We were all taught to be the adults we became.  I was taught to be an adult that did not represent my spiritual truth and until I came to understand this truth it would cause conflict which would impair my ability to be happy and was preventing me from reaching my goals.  As children, we are at the mercy of the adult who raise us.  As adults, we assume the responsibility to discover our inner truths and to work toward resolution between the inner truths and the image we present to the rest of the world.  Until we do this, conflict and unhappiness will continue to plague our reality.  I have a vision of what my ideal self would be like.  I will never reach my ideal self, at least not here on earth, but I take pride in the attempt to be all I envision for myself. 

Things have certainly changed over the years.  We are far from an ideal society, and we have miles to go before I would consider us to be a humane society, but how I perceive myself, and even more so, how others perceive me has changed remarkably.  There may still be those who consider me strange, eccentric, impulsive or crazy.  But the people who have entered into my life in the years since I began my journey of self-discovery have been my dearest and most ardent supporters.  Just as I accepted people who state a sexual orientation they were born with was different from my own, but not a cause for indecency or judgment, people are now accepting me at face value.  We need judgment.  It is important in protecting our personal safety, who we choose as friends, and how we make decisions.  We need to utilize good judgment in order to be successful and safe in our lives.  The problem about judgment is when it is used in a manner inconsistent for our own benefit, and it is used instead to enforce our will and beliefs upon others.  Using judgment in order to socially persecute a person or a particular group of persons defies a positive use for this word and morphs it into something negative and hostile.  In this form, and only this form, judgment has a singular use; in the courtroom.  To remain a civilized society, we must pass judgment on those who would inflict harm upon others.  Even then, judgment would ideally be tempered with kindness, compassion, support and understanding where it can be applied.  There will always be those in our society who deserve no temperance with judgment. 

Even though my daughter and her friend do not entirely understand why I chose to move across the country, they accept and support my decision without hesitation.  I joked on Facebook as having made the decision with the magic eight ball, but the fact was that I had been thinking about a major change in my life for several months.  My inner spirit told me I would be moving to Arizona over a year before it became a reality.  Cancer bitch set the wheels in motion, and everything fell into place from there.  Though I was afraid of what turn my life was taking, I knew this was the next step in it.  We were not promised an easy life.  There is a vast difference between teaching a person a better way to live, and enforcing your will and way of life upon them. I have been fortunate that for the most part, people in my life have taught me a better way to live while respecting the fact I have a right to live my life the way I choose.  That is the ideal, and why it is important we know what the ideal is and to make every effort to meet it.  Again, we will ultimately fail, but achieving the ideal is not about the failing to reach it, it is about the attempt. 

I may not have much for furniture right now, and I certainly do not have much for money.  But I do have wonderful friends who support my efforts in personal growth, even when they don’t understand why I do what I do.  I have everything I need, and most of all, I have the promise of a future, which is something I did not have in Ohio.  Eileen thought I was searching for something, and she hopes I find it.  I wasn’t searching for anything, the universe was searching for me, waiting for me to come back and heed the call.  When I didn’t pay attention, they sent cancer bitch to help set the wheels in motion.  I miss my life in Ohio, but I do not miss week after week of feeling lost without direction, feeling as if I had no purpose, no meaning, and no future.  My life as I knew it in Ohio had come to an end.  My life in Arizona is just beginning.  Ideally, my life will continue to flourish, I will continue to move forward and I will listen to my spirit and follow the path I am meant to live.  I believe expecting to live in an ideal world is a concept worth the fight.  I remember telling my daughters they should NEVER throw the first punch in a fight, but they should not allow themselves to be victimized. If someone chooses to fight you, you enter into it with everything you have.  At this point, it is not about winning the fight, but having the courage to try.  Even if you lose the fight, everyone respects the person willing to defend themselves and stand up to those who would tear them down.  Ideally, there would be no need to fight; we could settle our differences peacefully.  This is what we strive for.  But life isn’t always ideal, and the courage to accept loss speaks louder than the battle cry.