The Great Cross Country Trip, Day 1

The last few days of moving were very stressful.  When Sunday came around, I was still sorting what was important for me to take, and what I needed to give away or throw away.  I got everything packed up and took a good look around.  I still had a lot of stuff.  There wasn’t a good way to know how much would fit, so the only thing I could do was prioritize the most important stuff, and keep filling up the car from there.  Room after room of my apartment became empty as things were boxed, bagged and sorted.  It was incredible, but every single box fit, all my clothing fit and some random things were shoved in the spaces.  The only thing I had to leave behind was my plastic organizing drawers, and they take up a lot of space.  How could I have kept exactly what would fit?  There is not one little space anywhere to be found in the car, but I got everything I packed in.  I bet if you unloaded the car and told me to repack it, I couldn’t do it again.  Sometimes I amaze even myself, but the ease with which this whole adventure unfolded was all the proof I needed I was walking the right path, even if I was really scared to death.

Over the last months, I became close to one of my neighbors.  Lois is a very independent and capable eighty years old.  Lois talks to everyone, so if you want to know what’s going on pretty much anywhere in the complex, she has the 411.  Most of the time, she is right on target with her Intel.  She would come over almost every day to see if I had written anything.  She is a big fan!  Lois has four children, and is estranged from one of her daughters.  It was not her choice, her daughter asked her to leave her life, and she respected her wishes.  It causes Lois significant distress.  We talked about me being estranged from my mom, but the situations were completely different.  I didn’t choose for my mother to leave my life.  We were talking on the phone and I must have said something that offended her because she hung up on me and never called again.  I don’t know what she was angry about.  I talked with Lois about how I felt about it, and that I do think of my mother and wonder what she is doing, how her life is going.  Lois wanted to be assured her daughter thought of her at times.  I don’t know if she does, but I know I do think of my own mother and wish things could be different from what they are.  Lois is not quite sure why her daughter chose to alienate her, and often wonders if she should try to reconnect, and if she did; what would she say.  I told her reconnecting was something I couldn’t advise her on, I don’t know the whole story, but if she did choose to initiate a conversation with her daughter and her daughter said “you hurt me when….” That even if Lois did not agree she was guilty of what her daughter accused her of, simply apologize for causing her pain.  As parents, there are times we have hurt our children’s feelings or caused them distress in some way.  If a child needs an apology, it goes a long way toward mending fences.  I hope it helped her and she gets to have a relationship with her daughter, or at the very least some resolution.  We talked about a lot of things, and almost every day.  Lois was having a hard time letting me go.

Even so, she offered her assistance to help in any way she could.  The last day was the worst for her.  It was reality.  I saw room after empty room, but I think she saw memories whispering away.  She had to see each room empty.  I looked for something special I could give to her.  There were two things; the first was a little card with my name and the meaning on it.  It was a well-worn card.  Since I had chosen this name for myself, it had multiple tack holes in it where I tacked it to a cork board so I could see it often.  The other was a daily inspiration book based on Angels.  Everyone knows I love Angels.  She asked me “If it doesn’t work out in Tucson, will you come back?”  I know I was lying, but there is a time and place for lying and this was one of those times.  I said “of course!”  But I knew full well even if it didn’t work out here, I would come back and settle somewhere near my daughters.  Coming back did not mean coming back to Alliance.  Lois probably knew it, too.  When the car was all packed and we were ready to pull out on our journey, she said something about how lonely it would be there without me.  I assured her she would make more friends, but she said “I don’t want new friends, I want the old ones, I want you!”  I felt terrible at the distress she was in.  I assured her I would let her know about how we were doing, and we have talked every night since I left. 

I had the determination of an iron man, but after all the physical tasks from moving my body had other ideas.  I got in the car and drove, thinking I would drive for many hours.  I was wide awake and full of energy though I had not slept more than five hours total the previous two nights.  We were starving, so our first stop was an IHOP.  We both ordered huge platters thinking our eyes were probably bigger than our appetites.  We were wrong, we scarfed down both of our meals.  We may have even licked the plate clean, I can’t be sure.  We got back in the car to continue our marathon drive but it didn’t take long for the adrenaline to wear off and I was suddenly exhausted.  We only made it to Columbus.  We found a motel that frankly kind of scared me.  Though it was one or two in the morning, a bunch of people were hanging around outdoors in a disconnected socialization.  Everyone wanted to talk to Milena, asking her where she was from, how long she was staying and so forth.  She gave them vague answers, yet they persisted, even as she walked away.  The woman checking in right before us was having an argument with the clerk, using a lot of slang terms and poor grammar.  She left the office, only to return moments later while we were checking in to continue the argument.  The clerk politely told her to wait until we were checked in, so the woman decided to have a conversation with Milena.  Milena gave vague and uninterested answers, but the woman did not seem to notice.  We got to our room and hoped for the best.  The room smelled badly, and we didn’t want to use the shower, but we were tired and needed sleep.  We thought it was a horrible motel, but it would be far from the worst one we would stay in.  I dutifully checked for bedbugs, the tiny terror of our country at the moment.  Even though I was exhausted, sleep did not come easily, nor did it come quickly or peacefully.  It was a restless night for me.  Milena, on the other hand was snoring almost before her head hit the pillow. 

Day one of my new adventure has been interesting.  We woke up from the first night in the Columbus hotel and hit the fast food restaurant.  My daughter drove the first part while I slept.  She is nervous because she cannot see out the back window, and has to rely on the side mirrors to change lanes.  She did a good job.  She drove for most of the day, but we switched so that I was doing the driving through the rush traffic.  I am still sleep deprived, so even though I took my Ritalin, it didn’t seem to have much of an effect.  I also usually take Nuvigil, to help regulate my sleep wake cycle since I have chronic insomnia and have worked mostly afternoon and midnight shifts throughout my life.  I didn’t want to take it today so I could try to catch up on my sleep.  This was probably a mistake.  I did sleep while Milena drove, but while I was driving I wasn’t awake, even though my eyes were open.   I was almost squished by a merging semi on one side, and a car on the next side.  I saw it merging, but my timing was off.  When I saw we were pacing our speeds, I tried to get over in the next lane, but a car was right beside me.  It was scary, but we were OK.  I had seen the truck merging, but had misjudged the speed it was entering the highway.  To be fair, though, the truck was not paying any more attention than I was.  Milena was screaming at me as we were about to be squished.  Squishing did not occur. 

I didn’t know what to expect from my face time with Milena, our relationship is more argumentative than anything else right now.  She still thinks she knows it all, and has not realized yet she doesn’t.  She is almost twenty.  It’s the age.  She will argue with you, tell you she’s not being argumentative, and say “No, I’m just saying why don’t you……”  All mothers know where this one goes.  With me sleeping most of day one, there was not a lot of conversation.  We did talk a little about remembering childhood memories.  I told her how I refer to age sixteen as my “waking up time” because I had almost zero memories prior to that time.  I could not even remember events day to day; the traumatic stress amnesia was that deep.  I told her how friends would come up to me and talk about something we did together, and I had no memory of the event, or any conversation we had.  She was quite insightful.  She said “That must have been really socially isolating.”  It was.  It is why I didn’t have friends.  She is starting to see how much better I function on the Ritalin, and is more sensitive and patient with me when it is wearing off, or for some reason not quite working.  I am glad she is starting to see how difficult even simple tasks are for me to do when I forget to take a dose.  She is also starting to really notice how bad the dyslexia is as I not only read things backwards, but since I read things backwards, it follows I speak the words as I see them.  Sometimes things get very mixed up in my head.  I am thinking one thing, but I say something else I was also thinking.  For instance, I was thinking armadillos come from Texas, but we were heading toward Amarillo, Texas.  I kept getting armadillos and Amarillo mixed up.  These are big steps toward maturity, because she is starting to see the world outside of her own perspective.  She was also cutting her poor mom a much needed break.

Day one was progressing well.  We made it through the rest of Ohio, through Indiana and Illinois, and landed night one in Springfield, Missouri.  Milena had driven the first half of the day, and though I had taken all my Ritalin, I still felt groggy and had that sleep hangover.  I never did quite wake up.  We cheered as we saw the welcome to the state signs. It felt as if we had made a milestone as the state signs marked our progress.  Neither of us had been on any type of an adventure of this magnitude.  Watching the welcome to the state signs was thrilling!  By far the highlight of our day was when we passed the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.  We were so close it felt as if we could have reached out and touched it as we drove by.  It was a magnificent sight to see.  It is far different to view a picture of something.  When you look at a photograph, there is a type of disconnect in the visual experience.  When you see the image in person, the gravity of the image becomes an emotional experience you never quite forget.  You always remember how you felt the day you saw it, what the weather was like, who you were with, the smells in the air, everything.  You remember absolutely everything in a clarity which follows your lifespan.  Of course, I had to figure out the name of what we were seeing.  I asked Milena “Isn’t it called the Golden Arches?  No, that’s McDonald’s.  It’s the Golden Gate Bridge?”  Never mind it isn’t a bridge and it isn’t in San Francisco.  Finally we figured out it was the Gateway Arch with a little help from the browser on her phone.  

As we landed in Springfield, Missouri, we were in front of a hotel and scooped the internet service it provided for its guests while we searched for the best deal.  We settled on a Motel 6 both for the cheap room, but for the internet service it advertised as well.  I went into the after-hours check in site and the clerk was clearly distressed, though I couldn’t see what was stressing her out.  We were the only people around since it was well after one am in the morning.  Even her hair was disheveled!  She fluttered around her space while she checked us in, gave us our room key and explained where our room was.  I drove around to the back of the building.  There wasn’t anyone else around, so I felt safer than I had at the Columbus motel.  We had specifically asked for a nonsmoking room, but this room was nasty!  It didn’t “feel” like it was clean.  Worse, this nonsmoking room had an ashtray in it!  The ashtray was flipped over and on the bottom of it was a no smoking sign!  Missouri makes no sense at all, a lot like the don’t ask, don’t tell policy the military held so dear.  Yeah, we know we serve with homosexual men and women, but as long as you don’t tell us we don’t have to think about it.  This is a nonsmoking room, but if you really need a cigarette we provided you with an ashtray.  We just won’t tell the nonsmokers you smoked in their room.  We did plainly post the no smoking sign on the bottom of the ashtray, however.  There was even dust on the lamps!  This was not a clean room, and it was in disrepair.  The wallpaper was stained and peeling, and again we did not want to use the shower.  It was a disgusting room.  We were too tired to really care, though. 

Adding insult to injury was when we attempted to access the internet to plan for our next day.  We were locked out of it because Motel 6 charges $2.99 per day for use!  The clerk had not bothered to inform us of an additional charge and since EVERYWHERE else offers free WiFi, including McDonald’s, we did not think to ask if there was a fee.  I was ticked as hell and we were the most distant room in relationship to the office.   I called down to the office to see if we could add the charge to the room, but she said we had to return to the office to run the credit card again, she could not do it remotely.  Why the hell not I didn’t understand, but I yelled at her for not informing me of a charge for the internet.  I was way too tired to walk all the way back to the office so she could run the credit card.  This was a major disappointment in addition to the messy room.  Now we could not plan our route for the next day.  There was nothing left to do but to sleep.  Well, I also checked for the tiny terrors.  The mattresses were encased in plastic, so if they had bedbugs, they were not hiding in the mattress.  Even the comforter felt dirty.  But we were tired, so sleep came quickly, even for me.  End of Day one of our adventure and we survived it!  We even managed not to be squished.

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