The Great Adventure, Day 5

My sleep was fitful.  I don’t think I ever did make it into a real restful sleep.  I couldn’t remember the last time I slept more than a few hours.  There was unrest in my soul; I was like a ghost in my own life, in between this world and the next.  I was awake before the alarm went off; I took my meds and hopped in the shower, hoping it would revive me back into the world of the living.  The water was cool, almost uncomfortable, but it didn’t awaken my deadened spirit.  My skin bubbled up with goose bumps, still I did not warm the water and still I did not come to life.  I gave up, cleansed myself and left the shower.  I awakened Milena, and we started our day.  This was the day of truth and I wasn’t happy.  I was on auto drive.  Milena’s mood wasn’t much better.  What a way to start the day, we were both irritable.

I started out driving, since morning rush traffic would be hitting the roads soon.  I was a road warrior, determined to arrive at our destination despite my unwillingness to do so.  The air was already hot and sticky.  The sky was bright, crystalline blue; the sun was bearing down hotter with every mile.  Instead of welcoming the day, the sun was punishing the earth for being reborn yet again.    Milena pulled the blanket over her head and went to sleep while I drove in an unpleasant silence.  I was numb, not really thinking at all.  My attention was single minded.  I was driving and paying attention to the road.  Milena noted the times I had taken my medication so that I didn’t miss a dose of Ritalin.  We did not nearly miss an accident on Day four, but we didn’t leave the hotel room, either.  I think we both expected another near miss accident at some point during the day.  Mile after mile spread out on the highway.  New Mexico is very scenic.  I watched the horizon, glanced at the beauty around me, but it did not bring me joy or wonder.  I love beauty in nature, and New Mexico is beautiful, but it was as if I was watching a picture book flip through the pages.  The images meant nothing as I traveled in a disconnected state.  It wasn’t long, however, until we saw the “Welcome to Arizona” sign.  It was anticlimactic.  If we would have blinked, we would have missed it.  It was just a small sign at the side of the road.  Not very welcoming, almost like New Mexico didn’t want us to know we were leaving. 

We cheered at the milestone, as we had with each sign, but we were disappointed in with the welcome sign.  Reality was setting in.  My jaw was set, my face was tight and I was heading into the unknown, starting a life I don’t know what to expect, and for the first time in my life I will have no one to care for.  After my parent’s divorce, and my mother’s decent into alcohol and neglect, I tried to keep the house running.  That was the first time I remember being very depressed.  I got a dog, a German Shepard mix, but I didn’t take good care of her.   She remained locked in my bedroom, she was not house trained, so my bedroom soon became very nasty.  I didn’t walk her, I did nothing for her really, so my mother gave her away and used the classic “She went to a family with a nice farm.”  I didn’t know I was depressed, but I was overwhelmed with everything.  I blamed myself for my parent’s divorce because during one of their more vicious fights I yelled “Why don’t you two just get a divorce?”  As bad as life was before the divorce, it was worse for me after.  I was trying to cook, clean and care for my brothers while my mother slept.  She worked midnights, but after school was when she slept. 

I got a job after school working with Mr. Curtin though some type of a youth program.  Mr. Curtin was a good boss, never really gave me much to do except I loved when he sent me on doughnut runs!  Sometimes it was sub runs or other food, but I loved the doughnut runs.  That kept me away from the house, my mother and my dad for a while.  When I figured that out, I had a job ever since.  When dad got custody of me, he started charging me rent in addition to my chores.  I also had to pay for all of my own things.  I didn’t think it was right or fair, but it kept me away from them.  It wasn’t long before a twenty-one year old man got a hold of me and the course of my life was set.  The depression I felt after my parent’s divorce never went away.  I wanted to go to college after high school, but my dad said a college education was wasted on me.  What was the point of paying for college when I would just get pregnant and get married?  If my brothers wanted to go to college he would pay for them, but not me.  I tried to emancipate myself from him to get financial aid, but wasn’t able.  I needed financial aid to go to school, but they required my father’s tax statements and he refused to allow them to have it.  College was not an option, so I did the only other thing I could do.  I got married. 

I tried to be happy, and I tried to be a good wife, but I wanted to be loved.  My husband said he loved me all the time, but his actions were just like my father’s.  I thought that is how men treated women.  I didn’t know any different, but I was sad and alone.  I didn’t love my husband, though I tried to make the marriage work.  I needed someone to love, and someone to love me.  What a childish reason to have a baby, but that is why I “accidentally” got pregnant with my eldest daughter, Eileen.  It was a difficult pregnancy, but she was a glorious baby!  Of course, I didn’t know how much work a baby was, but even after she came and I found out it was more work than smiles and coos, I didn’t care.  I had someone I could love who would not hurt me, so I showered all the love I had in my heart for her.  Everything Ron did to me didn’t seem to hurt as much, or even matter, because I had a child to love and she was everything.  Of course, I didn’t know as bad as Ron was now, the abuse would only get worse.  It did get so much worse than I ever could have imagined.  Still, as long as he was not hurting the girls, I could bear what he dished out. 

He did, of course abuse the girls with his temperament and discipline.  It is funny when you grow up abused as badly as I was, if my children were not getting hit as much, or yelled at like I was, then it must be OK.  I was reading over the diaries I kept from that time, and I was horrified at what I thought was permissible.  He hurt those girls, and I allowed it because I had been hurt much worse.  What my husband did was discipline, what my parents did was abuse.  Little did I know what a fine line that was?  By the time Christina came along, the abuse from Ron was intolerable on all levels.  I was concerned for the physical safety of my children and had started to make secret plans to leave if he refused to give me a divorce.  My home was a battleground and Eileen and I did everything we could to protect each other.  That’s what children do, they think they can protect the mother they love so dearly, and I thought I could protect the girls I loved more than my own life.  By now, I could see I was powerless against the anger of this man. 

Age six must be a cardinal year for the Savier women.  Age six was when I met the entity that would shape my views on spirituality, and awaken me to the power I had been gifted inside of myself.  Age six was when Eileen did the bravest thing I ever saw a little girl do.  I wish I could say I left Ron to protect my daughters, and that was what I planned as soon as I could find a job to support us.  I wanted to have a means to provide for my girls.  I needed a plan.  I also had plan B which was a secret plan between Eileen and I.  I asked her how she would feel if we left her daddy, left everything we had and went to a Battered Women’s Shelter if things really got bad.  She said she wanted to leave, an answer that surprised me very much.  I told her she would be leaving all her toys, all her friends in the neighborhood and her beloved kitty, Whiskey.  She still wanted to leave.  I told her we had to keep the plan a secret, because if her daddy knew, he would hurt us all.  She never said a word to him. 

It wasn’t long before it got that bad.  I wish I could say I was as brave as my precious daughter, but in the end, I left because the fear of staying was now greater than the fear of leaving.  I left because now I believed he would kill me.  That night I realized what needed to be done, I looked at Eileen and said “Are you ready for the plan?”  At six years old, she said “Can we leave now?”  I couldn’t believe my ears.  This little six year old girl was smarter, wiser and braver than I had ever been in my whole life.  I explained we could not, because Ron was due home any moment, but she needed to be a very good girl, the best little girl ever so that Ron did not become angry.  When he left for work the next morning, we would put the plan into action.  She was perfect.  We had a pleasant evening as we all tip toed around Ron so that he would not become angry, and suspect anything was amiss. 

The next morning was August 5^th, 1988 and Ohio was in the midst of a record heat wave.  We all got up and went about our business; I made breakfast and started laundry so we would have clean clothes to take with us.  Eileen was the dutiful daughter, pretending to love her daddy.  As he went off to work, she kissed him goodbye and said to him “See you when you get home daddy, love you.”  Then she went to the bay window and watched as his car rounded the corner.  When his car was out of site she said “Can we leave now?”  I sit here humbled even today by her bravery.  Neither of us was aware of the living hell the next years would be, but we knew staying was no longer an option.  I said “Yes, we can leave today; we will be packing the car with all we can fit in.  You go pick out your most precious toys, because we cannot take much.  Pick out the toys you love the most.”  She proceeded to pack her favorite toys and clothes, and since Christina was too young to understand what we were doing, Eileen tried to pick the toys for her sister she thought she loved the most.  It was miserable, we didn’t have air conditioning and the heat reached 101 degrees that day.  I felt like I had jumped off a cliff without a parachute.  I had never been on my own before, and now I was homeless with a six and two year old pair of little girls, and I was barely an adult myself.

That was twenty three years ago.  Now I know I did the right thing by leaving, even throughout all the hell he put me through after, and through all the pain the children had to suffer because I married him.  I didn’t know it at the time.  All I knew was I was responsible for two little girls and I couldn’t even take care of myself.  I doubted my decision to leave him, because I never wanted to be divorced.  I doubted leaving him because I never thought I could live on my own and support myself and the girls.  I was constantly terrified of him, but even more terrified of me.  I was afraid I would fail these children.  I may have failed my children in some ways, but this much I know for certain.  Eileen would not be graduating from veterinary school if I had stayed with Ron.  We would not be the Savier women, I am not sure what kind of women we would have been, but I doubt any of us would have accomplished anything to be proud of.  I am pretty sure if I survived the marriage physically, I would have checked out emotionally and became one of the shell people.  I would have a beating heart and nothing more.  This is what was on my mind as the miles passed.

The Leasing Office Sign

The Gated Entrance and lots of cars

Before I knew it, we were at Campbell Ranch Apartments, and I was on the phone with Rachel.  I was near tears, but fighting them back.  I found Rachel’s apartment and she was standing outside to greet me.  I walked up to her and hugged her.  It wasn’t as if I was meeting a stranger for the first time, it was as if we had known each other our whole lives.  It felt as if I had just seen her last week and here I was again!  It was after four o’clock in the afternoon and we had much to do before we could rest.  Rachel welcomed us warmly as we got started on business.  We went to the leasing office.  Here was the moment of truth.  By the time I paid everything, I had $120.00 left.  That would be enough to tide me over.  My new apartment was E 35 and I got the keys. 

Rachel Paulson

When I drove into Campbell ranch, all I saw was an ocean of cars.  I didn’t see the courtyards.  I saw twists and turns of an apartment complex.  The heat was dry and unbearable, the sun stung my skin.  Rachel showed me new apartment and I didn’t see the amazing view, all I saw was loneliness and desolation.  I had mortgaged my life to get my children safe and stable, and now when they should be around me and we should be a family I was all alone.  Milena was leaving me alone here in just a few hours.  I dedicated my entire life doing what was best for my children, and I was lost without them.  I never lived my life for me, because there was always a crisis I had to protect my children from.  When I left Ron, I did not leave Ron as a healthy woman.  When I left Ron, my children were badly damaged in ways I had yet to learn.  Because I had been sexually assaulted sometime prior to age of six, my emotional maturity remained as a child.  I was a child in a woman’s body, trying to raise two hurt and frightened children.  I had to grow up, and I had to grow up now.  My children were depending on me.  I raised the girls mostly as a single mother, and with great difficulties and challenges.  Didn’t my children still need me? 

How many cars can there be?  I can't find my car in Wal-Mart's parking lot, how can I find it here?

Another row of cars!

They are everywhere!

This is bigger than Belden Village Mall!  I always parked in the Food Court there.

OMG!

Everything in my life leading up to this moment had been centered on my children.  How can I survive without them?  The last six years of Milena’s life in Alliance, I drove to and from Cleveland to work every day, as much as four hours a day round trip commute depending on weather, traffic and the site I was assigned to.  I worked double shifts, commuted, and went back the next day to do it again.  I had dark circles under my eyes and I was always tired.  The last six years I worked, went home, slept (maybe) and did it again the next day.  I did not have much of a social life, any free time I had was devoted to seeing my children or sleeping.  I made that sacrifice to make sure my daughter had the most stable environment I could provide for her, despite the fact my second marriage ended in a way that tore our lives apart.  I felt it was more important for Milena to stay near the friends and people she knew and loved, rather than uproot her to move closer to Cleveland so I would not have to drive so much.  That’s how my entire adult life was lived, I did what was best for my children, and never thought of it as a sacrifice.  I did it because I loved them so. 

Eileen, Milena & Christina, my girls the Savier women!

Now, here I am without my beloved girls and I don’t know how I am going to survive.  I feel as if I am abandoning them, even though I know this too, is what my children need me to do.  As with so many things I can’t explain in my life, I know my children need me to let them be the strong adult women I raised them to be, without me hovering around to keep them safe.  I can’t do this!  I walked into the apartment with Rachel and Milena and fell apart.  I hated it!  I hate the brick walls; it reminded me of when I went to jail.  I hated having only one window to a room, I loved the bright sunlight!  I hated the tiny kitchen, and I hated the bathroom.  I hated the second bedroom and I hated my bedroom.  I started sobbing.  I can’t stay here!  I hate it!  I want to go home!  There wasn’t time for tears, though.  We had to get the car unloaded and go to Wal-Mart to get an airbed and basic supplies.  Rachel had gone to the local food pantry and obtained a few groceries for me, she had a nice soft and comfy green chair for me, and she cleaned out her cupboards and bugged her neighbors to help set up some supplies in my home. 

My livingroom and Angel

My Dining Room

My Teeny Kitchen

The 2nd Bedroom

My Walk-In Closet

My Bedroom is L-Shaped and My Cave

Comfy Green Chair and Air Bed

The Rest of My Cave

I was drained.  Milena was amazed by all the sights and sounds of the city, but I walked around like a zombie.  I followed them around; head hung low trying not to cry.  Milena and Rachel became best friends right away.  While Milena and I walked between the two apartments, I started sobbing again, crying out forlornly “I’m going to be so lost!”  There was an ocean of cars, how would I ever find my car, how would I ever find my building?  I get lost going around the corner!  The buildings are set up in rectangles, with walking paths throughout.  Inside the rectangles are the courtyards.  On the opposite side of the buildings are the cars.  The courtyards create the illusion of your own private little heaven, when the pavement is just over on the back of the building.  The buildings are set up A through I.  I was in (E) building, Rachel was in the (I) building.  She was diagonally across from me.  We were the farthest points from each other we could be.  I would never find Rachel, and if I did, I wouldn’t find my way back home.  And this was just the apartment complex.  How would I ever find my way through the city?

A Courtyard

A Pretty Bush

A Funny Looking Palm Tree by the Pool

The Pathways at Sunrise

The Children's Playground

The Volleyball Court, Home Again, Safe at Last

Milena and Rachel took over, getting things settled.  I met her husband Ben, who seemed nice.  Milena and Ben soon became best friends, too.  Rachel fixed us a nice spaghetti dinner and we headed back to my new hated apartment.  We needed a couple more things, so Milena ran to the drug store down the street.  I saw in the comfy green chair and cried myself to sleep, with Angel curled up next to my head.  When Milena came back, we set the alarm and went to bed.  I cried silent tears as I fell off into a restless sleep.  I woke up just before the alarm went off again.  Milena quickly gathered up her things and we took her off to the airport.  I walked through the morning frozen, numb and hungry.  I told Rachel I wanted a plate of spaghetti before I went back to my apartment.  I found my way back to my apartment, where I curled up on the air mattress and stared at the ceiling.  I was more alone than I ever had been in my entire life.  Worse, no one needed me.  How would I fill the empty, lonely hours ahead of me?  Ron was right after all.  He yelled at me one time the girls would wind up hating me and I would find myself all alone.  The girls didn’t hate me, but I was all alone. 

A few days later Rachel and I were running some errands when we passed some mobile homes.  I wondered how people lived in those homes with the heat over a hundred and expecting to go higher.  I told her I left Ron during a heat wave in Ohio.   I left August 5^th, 1988 and the temperature that day was 101 degrees.  It was then I realized I arrived in Tucson to move into my new apartment on August 5^th 2011 during a record heat wave in Tucson.  Rachel had a revelation of her own.  She remembered the temperature that day because it was cooler than it had been.  Though it didn’t set a record that day, the temperature when I arrived was 101 degrees.  There is something the Angels are trying to tell me here.  This cannot be coincidence, as we would have arrived two days earlier had the car not broken down.  As soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know, but 23 years ago I jumped off a cliff without a parachute on August 5^th, 1988 with a 101 temperature on Ohio.  Today I jumped into my new life landing on an air mattress on August 5^th, 2011 with a temperature of 101 degrees in Tucson.  I hope I live up to the expectations of the heavens.  Obviously, they have a plan for me.  I just wish they would let me in on the details.