It's true, it never does. My head is never quiet, even when I want it to be. Sometimes I will look at someone and ask them what is on their mind and they say "nothing." Particularly with men, I believe them! But not me, not my mind, it is always going about 5 steps ahead of myself. It is very frustrating at times. I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years back, but I suffered through it most of my life. It was a shame, really. Without the correct diagnosis, a great deal of my life has been a huge struggle. I have a very severe form of it. Serious enough my life requires significant interventions to help manage it, even with the medication Ritalin.
When I was little, the treatment for ADHD was a good solid spanking. I was spanked a lot. Back then, corporal punishment, as it was called in schools, was standard and legal. Decker Elementary had a wide wooden paddle the teachers used. A couple of teachers drilled several holes in their paddles, believing it to make a bigger impact. The rule at home was; if I got paddled at school, I got paddled at home as well. Spanking may have been effective for deterring me away from some things, but it didn't do a lot for the ADHD. In school, I chattered a mile a minute the entire time. I was always talking. I wonder how I found so much to say, but I sure did! If I wasn't talking, I was daydreaming out the window. I have lived entire lives through daydreaming. It didn't do much for my school assignments, however. My only saving grace was that I think I must learn by osmosis, because I always received straight A's even though I wasn't paying attention. I frequently would hop right up out of my seat at very inopportune moments. I had things to do, places to be and more people to talk to!
I was very impulsive, and so I often did things without thinking the next sixty seconds through before I did. That wound me up in a great deal of trouble, too. Words and ideas shot out of my mouth before they processed through my brain. The words came out no matter how colorful or inappropriate they were. My thoughts did not pass my brain, they rammed right through go and they went straight to jail. I was always in trouble. I never meant to hurt anybody's feelings, but I often said things I thought without considering what they sounded like. Every once in a while, someone would bring it to my attention and not always in the kindest way. Adults called me thoughtless for the things I said. Thoughtless wasn't the problem; I had way too many thoughts. I felt bad if I unintentionally hurt the feelings of someone else. Even as an adult, my foot is frequently in my mouth. Fortunately, I am a petite size seven, so it is easy to remove.
For me, ADHD is an all or nothing event. As a child, you either had my attention, or you didn't. Most of the time you didn't, and if I wasn't paying attention to you, I didn't remember any of what you just told me. It's like I never heard you at all. Sometimes people would tell me the same thing several times before I heard it, responded to it, or did what they were telling me to do. They thought I was being rude or disrespectful, but I was simply preoccupied with something else. When I was paying attention, however, people had a very difficult time pulling me out of whatever had captivated me so intensely. I loved to read books, in fact I devoured them. I could read an entire book in just one day if I set my mind to it. When I was reading, nothing in the world could divert me from it. I didn't hear people when they spoke; and an earth quake could tear the building down around me and I wouldn't blink an eye. If I was paying attention to the world I around me, I tended to remember everything about it. I still remember the telephone numbers I had growing up. I developed a nearly photographic memory. But like I said, it was an all or nothing event. Either I remembered, or I didn't at all.
Forty years ago, nothing was known about this condition. As I went into adolescence, the symptoms worsened with all the hormonal and other changes going on. Stress and anxiety increase the forgetfulness and inability to remain focused. I started to deal with depression, wondering why I couldn't seem to get to places on time like other people do. Time got away from me. I tried hard, but nothing seemed to work well in managing my life. People told me all the time how smart I was, but I just couldn't seem to get things done. About this time, I started to notice I also read some things backwards. I am dyslexic, another condition not recognized while I was in school.
Until recently, ADHD was thought to be a condition people grew out of. Not so much, we just learn ways to compensate for what is interrupting our lives. People with a milder form of it do appear to outgrow it, but no, they have learned ways to deal with it so it is not so intrusive. In my teen years, the ADHD symptoms were thought to be an anxiety disorder. Since abuse was not talked about very much at this time; I was given Ativan/Lorazepam, a benzodiazepine, to manage what was primarily ADHD. When I graduated high school, my life looked very grim and I was quite depressed. Antidepressants were not generally prescribed very often, and Prozac (which would revolutionize how we treated depression) had not made it to the market yet. Depression, especially since it began in my early teens, was thought to be "growing pains" of being an adolescent. It is in fact, a symptom of ADHD.
In adulthood, I did learn some skills to manage the forgetfulness, confusion, anxiety and frustration of the condition. I often heard people say behind my back "Oh, she is such an airhead, but she's really smart once you talk with her." I heard that throughout my entire adulthood in one way or another. While it was meant as a kind person defending me, it still hurt. I didn't want to be an airheard, ditzy, scatterbrained, or anything else of the sort. I had goals and dreams. I wanted to be respected. Part of my coping skill was to become OCD about being organized, but even that was an all or nothing event. Parts of my life were extremely controlled, and other parts were a disorganized mess. I cannot convey the amount of anxiety and frustration this condition manifests. Ordinarily, I am very easy going, not much bothers me. But I am constantly fearful of what I may have forgotten, or in my hurry to get something done before I forget it; what I messed up.
Time is problem. I can't manage it at all. What takes someone else a short while to do; I struggle. I easily get distracted; just show me something shiny! I get lost in my own thoughts, completely forgetting what I am supposed to be doing. Fortunately for me, writing is one of those tasks I get lost in. Unfortunately, it takes me forever because I often lose track of my main point and have to edit, edit, edit! I have to make little side notes to remind me what point I wanted to make. Interestingly enough, some of the times I stray away from my original intention have resulted in some of my best work. I've learned to go with it. I am always late and people in our society consider it to be disrespectful of their time. They think I must have something better to do than to be on time. It is not the case. I have to make multiple attempts to leave my home because I keep forgetting things! Forgot the car keys, have to run back to the house. Forgot my cell and have to make another trip back. I set my keys down when I went in the house for my cell and forgot them again! Do I have my purse, credit card and wallet? Where am I going again? Do I need any paperwork? I have tried getting things ready the night before and I walk right out of the house, passing what I need. I constantly lose things because I walk around with them in my hand without realizing something is in my hand. I put it down in a ridiculous place while I am thinking about yet something else, never remembering I had it in my hand, nor that I put it down. I simply do not pay attention. I can't live my life in the moment because I am busy thinking about moments past or future! I finally learned after more than thirty years and thanks to a lanyard to hang my keys on the doorknob every time. Now I rarely lose my keys. I have gone insane looking for my glasses and I have them in my hand. I don't pay any attention to anything!
My inattention is so bad I frequently injure myself. I run into things, and feel an instant of pain, but keep right on with what I am doing. When a cut bleeds or a bruise appears I am mystified as to how it happened. I have burned myself pretty badly the same way. Driving a car is dangerous! My kids constantly reminded me to get back into my own lane because I saw something beside the road which caught my attention. I change lanes for no apparent reason. I stop short, causing the driver behind me to hit my car in the rear. I miss drives and turns, abruptly changing the direction of the car to make my turn. I used to be in minor car accidents every two years, and have had more than one major collision. It is rarely my fault in the eyes of the law. The truth is, I wasn't paying attention to driving and actually was the cause of the accident. People who have followed me to events have told me that even when I am in my lane I look like I'm a drunk driver, drifting from line to line within the lane. My kids named the handle bar at the top of the car door the "oh shit" bar because they had to grab it when I turned abruptly or they were flung into their sister's lap!
I rarely pay my bills on time, even when I have the money because I forget about them. I used to overdraw my checking account to the tune of thousands of dollars over the years because I couldn't keep track of my money, and the dyslexia made it impossible to balance the checkbook. Since it is now online, I rarely bounce checks, but it still happens if I lose track of how much I am spending. I frequently miss appointments because I forget about them, too. I put them in a date book, but either forget to look at the date book or forget which day it currently is. It is a very stressful way to live your life, and most of all, it caused a cycle of anxiety, frustration and depression because if I'm so smart, how come I can't do the simple things everyone else does?
Even talking to me can be an adventure in topics. My friends are used to me and can follow a conversation after years of listening. I start out on one topic and will change it in the middle of the conversation if something else pops in my head that is related, but straying away from what I wanted to say. Then about fifteen minutes later I come around to the point I was trying to make in the first place. Even after I hang up, I suddenly remember the most important thing I wanted to say, but never got to it. My friends know to expect the phone to ring seconds after hanging up. It is a difficult way to live. Sometimes a coworker will ask me a question and I KNOW what I want to say and can't pull it out of my head. It is like there is a brick wall between my thoughts and speech. I stutter and appear utterly ignorant. The frustration this causes me dramatically affects my mood. I can be irritable and short, losing my temper easily because I can't function like the intelligent adult I know I am. I would crumple up in a heap and cry if I weren't so darn stubborn.
I take obsessive notes with explicit detail. Then I forget to read them, or I overlook parts of my notes that are critical for the information I wish to convey. Being a nurse that works with critical notes and relaying vital information to colleagues is extremely stressful. I work ten times harder than other people to accomplish the same amount of work. I work through my breaks and never take a lunch even if my work is caught up because I am afraid I am missing something that could affect patient care. I am terrified of making a stupid and careless mistake, so I check and recheck multiple times to be sure I am correct. This results in excelling at my job, because all that obsessive checking and attention to details, combined with my nearly nearly photographic memory means I know a great deal about my patients. I have caught errors and suggested things to doctors that have been invaluable to patient outcomes. Before bedside computers, doctors would frequently request I round with them because I knew so much about the patients, and it was committed to memory. They used to call me their personal computer. Even that caused me anxiety, stressing me out, because if I didn't have an answer to a question when the patient or doctor asked, I felt as if I failed because I didn't think to check that single detail.
The perception of ADHD is usually in reference to children, but as an adult who has lived like this most of her life, I can tell you it isn't a minor condition. It caused major interruptions and problems in my life. Had I been diagnosed earlier, who knows what I might have accomplished? I was afraid at first to take the Ritalin, I have heard so many things about it and I wasn't entirely sure I was ADHD. The hyperactivity part decreases as we age because we just don't have the energy anymore! Still, I rarely just sit and do something. I didn't notice a difference at first because it took a while to get to the proper dose. When it was right, it was like I had lived in a darkened room my whole life and someone turned the light on. I could leave the house the first time and I started to arrive places early! I was the first one for my shift one day when the women who always came early walked in. They looked at me and panicked! They thought they were late, since I was already there. I could fall asleep without sleeping pills because my anxiety and frustration levels decreased significantly. I need a great deal less ativan to control my anxiety. I smile more, and am relaxed, knowing I did what I was supposed to do. I remember what I need to and I can complete a task I start. Ritalin didn't take away all the symptoms, but I can live my life without fear.
I thought Ritalin would speed me up, since that is the nickname for it. It didn't. It slowed things down for me. My mind is sharper and I can concentrate. As I got older, I lost the ability to read like I did when I was a child. I would read something and be so preoccupied with something else; I couldn't remember what I read. I had to read things several times before they stuck and it took all the fun out of reading, so I just quit doing it. I'm reading again. I failed at completing college because of the ADHD and the dyslexia. I felt humiliated that someone "so smart" could not complete a college assignment, and couldn't study because I couldn't read the material. Now I know I was handicapped. Ritalin opened up a whole new life for me. Where I was insecure, I am now confident. I take great pleasure in reading and learning. I love to learn new things, I always have, but because it became so difficult I quit trying. I only wish I had been diagnosed earlier. The depression I felt has not returned since I started on the medicine. I am not in a constant state of chaos. I laugh a lot these days.
In children, ADHD is not a discipline issue. I could no more control my constant movement, constant talking and daydreaming than one could control the need to breathe. Spanking didn't control the symptoms, it just hurt. Yelling at me made me feel bad about myself. I wanted to please the adults around me, but I couldn't stop the storm inside of me. I often hear many parents say they don't want their children on medication, and I do believe like any fad psychiatric condition of the day, it is over diagnosed. But before you write it off, give it a try. Have patience with your child while the medication is adjusted. If things don't get better than it might not be right for your child; but don't deny them the opportunity to reach all their dreams, don't let them live in a dark room because you are afraid. Trust me on this one, I don't want to go back in the dark. Ritalin was the magic bullet for me. All the counseling and behavior modifications I tried helped, but nothing was truly effective. My life opened up when Ritalin slowed me down.
When I was little, the treatment for ADHD was a good solid spanking. I was spanked a lot. Back then, corporal punishment, as it was called in schools, was standard and legal. Decker Elementary had a wide wooden paddle the teachers used. A couple of teachers drilled several holes in their paddles, believing it to make a bigger impact. The rule at home was; if I got paddled at school, I got paddled at home as well. Spanking may have been effective for deterring me away from some things, but it didn't do a lot for the ADHD. In school, I chattered a mile a minute the entire time. I was always talking. I wonder how I found so much to say, but I sure did! If I wasn't talking, I was daydreaming out the window. I have lived entire lives through daydreaming. It didn't do much for my school assignments, however. My only saving grace was that I think I must learn by osmosis, because I always received straight A's even though I wasn't paying attention. I frequently would hop right up out of my seat at very inopportune moments. I had things to do, places to be and more people to talk to!
I was very impulsive, and so I often did things without thinking the next sixty seconds through before I did. That wound me up in a great deal of trouble, too. Words and ideas shot out of my mouth before they processed through my brain. The words came out no matter how colorful or inappropriate they were. My thoughts did not pass my brain, they rammed right through go and they went straight to jail. I was always in trouble. I never meant to hurt anybody's feelings, but I often said things I thought without considering what they sounded like. Every once in a while, someone would bring it to my attention and not always in the kindest way. Adults called me thoughtless for the things I said. Thoughtless wasn't the problem; I had way too many thoughts. I felt bad if I unintentionally hurt the feelings of someone else. Even as an adult, my foot is frequently in my mouth. Fortunately, I am a petite size seven, so it is easy to remove.
For me, ADHD is an all or nothing event. As a child, you either had my attention, or you didn't. Most of the time you didn't, and if I wasn't paying attention to you, I didn't remember any of what you just told me. It's like I never heard you at all. Sometimes people would tell me the same thing several times before I heard it, responded to it, or did what they were telling me to do. They thought I was being rude or disrespectful, but I was simply preoccupied with something else. When I was paying attention, however, people had a very difficult time pulling me out of whatever had captivated me so intensely. I loved to read books, in fact I devoured them. I could read an entire book in just one day if I set my mind to it. When I was reading, nothing in the world could divert me from it. I didn't hear people when they spoke; and an earth quake could tear the building down around me and I wouldn't blink an eye. If I was paying attention to the world I around me, I tended to remember everything about it. I still remember the telephone numbers I had growing up. I developed a nearly photographic memory. But like I said, it was an all or nothing event. Either I remembered, or I didn't at all.
Forty years ago, nothing was known about this condition. As I went into adolescence, the symptoms worsened with all the hormonal and other changes going on. Stress and anxiety increase the forgetfulness and inability to remain focused. I started to deal with depression, wondering why I couldn't seem to get to places on time like other people do. Time got away from me. I tried hard, but nothing seemed to work well in managing my life. People told me all the time how smart I was, but I just couldn't seem to get things done. About this time, I started to notice I also read some things backwards. I am dyslexic, another condition not recognized while I was in school.
Until recently, ADHD was thought to be a condition people grew out of. Not so much, we just learn ways to compensate for what is interrupting our lives. People with a milder form of it do appear to outgrow it, but no, they have learned ways to deal with it so it is not so intrusive. In my teen years, the ADHD symptoms were thought to be an anxiety disorder. Since abuse was not talked about very much at this time; I was given Ativan/Lorazepam, a benzodiazepine, to manage what was primarily ADHD. When I graduated high school, my life looked very grim and I was quite depressed. Antidepressants were not generally prescribed very often, and Prozac (which would revolutionize how we treated depression) had not made it to the market yet. Depression, especially since it began in my early teens, was thought to be "growing pains" of being an adolescent. It is in fact, a symptom of ADHD.
In adulthood, I did learn some skills to manage the forgetfulness, confusion, anxiety and frustration of the condition. I often heard people say behind my back "Oh, she is such an airhead, but she's really smart once you talk with her." I heard that throughout my entire adulthood in one way or another. While it was meant as a kind person defending me, it still hurt. I didn't want to be an airheard, ditzy, scatterbrained, or anything else of the sort. I had goals and dreams. I wanted to be respected. Part of my coping skill was to become OCD about being organized, but even that was an all or nothing event. Parts of my life were extremely controlled, and other parts were a disorganized mess. I cannot convey the amount of anxiety and frustration this condition manifests. Ordinarily, I am very easy going, not much bothers me. But I am constantly fearful of what I may have forgotten, or in my hurry to get something done before I forget it; what I messed up.
Time is problem. I can't manage it at all. What takes someone else a short while to do; I struggle. I easily get distracted; just show me something shiny! I get lost in my own thoughts, completely forgetting what I am supposed to be doing. Fortunately for me, writing is one of those tasks I get lost in. Unfortunately, it takes me forever because I often lose track of my main point and have to edit, edit, edit! I have to make little side notes to remind me what point I wanted to make. Interestingly enough, some of the times I stray away from my original intention have resulted in some of my best work. I've learned to go with it. I am always late and people in our society consider it to be disrespectful of their time. They think I must have something better to do than to be on time. It is not the case. I have to make multiple attempts to leave my home because I keep forgetting things! Forgot the car keys, have to run back to the house. Forgot my cell and have to make another trip back. I set my keys down when I went in the house for my cell and forgot them again! Do I have my purse, credit card and wallet? Where am I going again? Do I need any paperwork? I have tried getting things ready the night before and I walk right out of the house, passing what I need. I constantly lose things because I walk around with them in my hand without realizing something is in my hand. I put it down in a ridiculous place while I am thinking about yet something else, never remembering I had it in my hand, nor that I put it down. I simply do not pay attention. I can't live my life in the moment because I am busy thinking about moments past or future! I finally learned after more than thirty years and thanks to a lanyard to hang my keys on the doorknob every time. Now I rarely lose my keys. I have gone insane looking for my glasses and I have them in my hand. I don't pay any attention to anything!
My inattention is so bad I frequently injure myself. I run into things, and feel an instant of pain, but keep right on with what I am doing. When a cut bleeds or a bruise appears I am mystified as to how it happened. I have burned myself pretty badly the same way. Driving a car is dangerous! My kids constantly reminded me to get back into my own lane because I saw something beside the road which caught my attention. I change lanes for no apparent reason. I stop short, causing the driver behind me to hit my car in the rear. I miss drives and turns, abruptly changing the direction of the car to make my turn. I used to be in minor car accidents every two years, and have had more than one major collision. It is rarely my fault in the eyes of the law. The truth is, I wasn't paying attention to driving and actually was the cause of the accident. People who have followed me to events have told me that even when I am in my lane I look like I'm a drunk driver, drifting from line to line within the lane. My kids named the handle bar at the top of the car door the "oh shit" bar because they had to grab it when I turned abruptly or they were flung into their sister's lap!
I rarely pay my bills on time, even when I have the money because I forget about them. I used to overdraw my checking account to the tune of thousands of dollars over the years because I couldn't keep track of my money, and the dyslexia made it impossible to balance the checkbook. Since it is now online, I rarely bounce checks, but it still happens if I lose track of how much I am spending. I frequently miss appointments because I forget about them, too. I put them in a date book, but either forget to look at the date book or forget which day it currently is. It is a very stressful way to live your life, and most of all, it caused a cycle of anxiety, frustration and depression because if I'm so smart, how come I can't do the simple things everyone else does?
Even talking to me can be an adventure in topics. My friends are used to me and can follow a conversation after years of listening. I start out on one topic and will change it in the middle of the conversation if something else pops in my head that is related, but straying away from what I wanted to say. Then about fifteen minutes later I come around to the point I was trying to make in the first place. Even after I hang up, I suddenly remember the most important thing I wanted to say, but never got to it. My friends know to expect the phone to ring seconds after hanging up. It is a difficult way to live. Sometimes a coworker will ask me a question and I KNOW what I want to say and can't pull it out of my head. It is like there is a brick wall between my thoughts and speech. I stutter and appear utterly ignorant. The frustration this causes me dramatically affects my mood. I can be irritable and short, losing my temper easily because I can't function like the intelligent adult I know I am. I would crumple up in a heap and cry if I weren't so darn stubborn.
I take obsessive notes with explicit detail. Then I forget to read them, or I overlook parts of my notes that are critical for the information I wish to convey. Being a nurse that works with critical notes and relaying vital information to colleagues is extremely stressful. I work ten times harder than other people to accomplish the same amount of work. I work through my breaks and never take a lunch even if my work is caught up because I am afraid I am missing something that could affect patient care. I am terrified of making a stupid and careless mistake, so I check and recheck multiple times to be sure I am correct. This results in excelling at my job, because all that obsessive checking and attention to details, combined with my nearly nearly photographic memory means I know a great deal about my patients. I have caught errors and suggested things to doctors that have been invaluable to patient outcomes. Before bedside computers, doctors would frequently request I round with them because I knew so much about the patients, and it was committed to memory. They used to call me their personal computer. Even that caused me anxiety, stressing me out, because if I didn't have an answer to a question when the patient or doctor asked, I felt as if I failed because I didn't think to check that single detail.
The perception of ADHD is usually in reference to children, but as an adult who has lived like this most of her life, I can tell you it isn't a minor condition. It caused major interruptions and problems in my life. Had I been diagnosed earlier, who knows what I might have accomplished? I was afraid at first to take the Ritalin, I have heard so many things about it and I wasn't entirely sure I was ADHD. The hyperactivity part decreases as we age because we just don't have the energy anymore! Still, I rarely just sit and do something. I didn't notice a difference at first because it took a while to get to the proper dose. When it was right, it was like I had lived in a darkened room my whole life and someone turned the light on. I could leave the house the first time and I started to arrive places early! I was the first one for my shift one day when the women who always came early walked in. They looked at me and panicked! They thought they were late, since I was already there. I could fall asleep without sleeping pills because my anxiety and frustration levels decreased significantly. I need a great deal less ativan to control my anxiety. I smile more, and am relaxed, knowing I did what I was supposed to do. I remember what I need to and I can complete a task I start. Ritalin didn't take away all the symptoms, but I can live my life without fear.
I thought Ritalin would speed me up, since that is the nickname for it. It didn't. It slowed things down for me. My mind is sharper and I can concentrate. As I got older, I lost the ability to read like I did when I was a child. I would read something and be so preoccupied with something else; I couldn't remember what I read. I had to read things several times before they stuck and it took all the fun out of reading, so I just quit doing it. I'm reading again. I failed at completing college because of the ADHD and the dyslexia. I felt humiliated that someone "so smart" could not complete a college assignment, and couldn't study because I couldn't read the material. Now I know I was handicapped. Ritalin opened up a whole new life for me. Where I was insecure, I am now confident. I take great pleasure in reading and learning. I love to learn new things, I always have, but because it became so difficult I quit trying. I only wish I had been diagnosed earlier. The depression I felt has not returned since I started on the medicine. I am not in a constant state of chaos. I laugh a lot these days.
In children, ADHD is not a discipline issue. I could no more control my constant movement, constant talking and daydreaming than one could control the need to breathe. Spanking didn't control the symptoms, it just hurt. Yelling at me made me feel bad about myself. I wanted to please the adults around me, but I couldn't stop the storm inside of me. I often hear many parents say they don't want their children on medication, and I do believe like any fad psychiatric condition of the day, it is over diagnosed. But before you write it off, give it a try. Have patience with your child while the medication is adjusted. If things don't get better than it might not be right for your child; but don't deny them the opportunity to reach all their dreams, don't let them live in a dark room because you are afraid. Trust me on this one, I don't want to go back in the dark. Ritalin was the magic bullet for me. All the counseling and behavior modifications I tried helped, but nothing was truly effective. My life opened up when Ritalin slowed me down.
I felt like you were telling my story. I love your writing and look forward to reading it every day
ReplyDeleteYou told my story, I felt like such a failure all my life too...
ReplyDelete