Challenging Depression

Depression is classified as a mental illness.  We are so concerned today about changing the names of everything to reflect a more positive, tolerant and less judgmental image, yet we have not found adequate terminology to reflect what really goes on in terms of human mood and emotion.   Many of the diagnoses labeled mental illness can be classified as a physiological illness, like a heart condition or diabetes.  Diabetes is used a lot when talking about mental illness because they share some characteristics.  Insulin is a hormone produced in the pancreas.  Insulin affects a great deal of the body’s processes, not just sugar.  Insulin is one of the triggers to signal the body to store excess sugar for reserve use later, too much or too little sugar in the blood stream affects mood and ability to process thought.  Interestingly enough, though it does affect mood and thought, no one classifies it as a mental illness. 

Depression can be influenced by both environmental and internal factors.  Though we have some knowledge about it, we still have a long way to go until we can treat it effectively, and not view it as a weakness in character.  We know there are at least five chemicals involved in depression, serotonin and norepinephrine are the two most commonly associated with it.  These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.  They help the nervous system to relay information from one neuronal pathway to the next.  Too little of these chemicals, and the brain in effect slows down.  Energy levels decrease, ability to enjoy life decreases, and the art of living becomes a struggle.  But these chemicals are only a piece of the puzzle.  How the body triggers the release and manufacture of the chemicals are not entirely understood.  This is evidenced when normal life events trigger a depressive episode.

We also know some people are genetically predisposed to depression, just as some people are more genetically predisposed toward diabetes.  The same life events do not elicit the same depressive episodes in different people.  A person’s outlook on life also contributes to the frequency and severity of a depressive episode.  Diet plays a part; those with healthy eating habits tend to be affected to a lesser degree.  Unresolved childhood trauma will result in a predisposition to depression, and will affect the adult with greater frequency and severity.  Like diabetes, depression has numerous contributing factors toward overall health.  Unlike diabetes, people who suffer from depression are less likely to seek treatment, and more likely to suffer in silence.  As a result, some people lose entire parts of their lives to this illness. 

Depression is viewed as an illness, and if it is interfering with the ability to function and enjoy life, then it certainly merits being an illness worth treating.  But depression is also a normal part of living, as we will all suffer from it at some point in our life.  No one is immune.  Normal depressive episodes occur during major life events, like a death in the family, loss of a job, or home, loss of friends or unmanaged stress.  Depression can even occur as a result of happy events, simply because the rhythm of your life has shifted, as in a job promotion, moving to a better neighborhood, the birth of a baby, really anything that changes what the “normal” pattern of a person’s life is.  Recognizing and validating that you are not feeling up to snuff is not a weakness in character, or a deviation of a normal life.  Fighting the feeling may even contribute to a downward spiral of depression resulting in the need for treatment. 

I am one of those people who are predisposed toward depression.  Depression is a common symptom of ADHD (another disorder characterized as a mental illness rather than a brain condition) and my childhood trauma puts me at increased risk for it.  I don’t know if my family has a history of depression, since if it was there, my family self-medicated through alcoholism.  (Alcohol is in reality a depressant, so when people use alcohol to feel better, they are actually making their condition worse.)  But I know depression is something I struggle with at various points in my life.  Right now is one of those times.  It would be easy to say it is a chemical imbalance and seek treatment.  It is interfering with my ability to live my life as I would like, but I am not by definition, clinically depressed.  I am not hopeless; I still expect my life to move forward.  I am not helpless, I am doing what I need to do each day, but when given the opportunity I will withdraw and seclude myself.  I have little energy, despite all the stimulants I take for the ADHD.  I fatigue easily, and my ability to think has slowed down.  My desire to do things I enjoy doing has been affected, thus I haven’t written much in my blog.  It takes more energy to do than I have. 

I deny, however, being mentally ill.  I deny this because if you look at the whole picture of my life at present, there are a number of contributing factors.  In the last 18 months, I lost my job as an LPN, a job I loved and found joy and satisfaction in.  My age and experience has eliminated me as a candidate for the few open positions, and the job market is rough, with an average of ten per cent of the country is unemployed, and en estimated twenty five per cent of the country is underemployed.  I have been unable to find employment in my field, or employment in any other field for that matter.  Long term unemployment is devastating on a person’s emotional and mental well-being.  Additionally, now employers are unfairly discriminating against people who have been unemployed for a length of time.  I am in menopause, which creates a massive set of adjustments as the hormonal balances in my body are shifting, and I am moving into a later phase in my life.  Aging women are viewed in a more positive light at the moment, but face challenges with body image as those hormonal changes result in drier skin, less muscle mass, weight shifts, and noticeable wrinkles.  Most women can’t afford to have a plastic surgeon on board to minimize the effects.  The media portray women in their 40’s and above looking much younger, but those women have had access to professionals to present that image.  It is hard to measure up. 

My youngest daughter moved out and on with her life.  Though I felt relief when it happened, it was also another marker in my life that was a loss.  I no longer am a mother on a day to day basis.  For the first time in my life, I am responsible for no one but myself.  All of the roles that I identified as who I am are being stripped away all at the same time.  A couple of years ago, my father-in-law retired, and I lost someone I talked to almost every day.  I have lost and gained friends due to busy lifestyles, or other reasons.  I used to volunteer within my community, and when I worked so much, there was no room for it in my life.  I still missed it, and felt the loss.  Because of the job market in Ohio, I sold everything I owned and moved across the country by myself, looking for better opportunities.  While I was excited for the move, it was stressful, and now here I am trying to start a new life all by myself.  The excitement has waned, and the terror has set in.  I am still homesick, because I know there are no visits from my children coming any time soon.  Air fare is expensive. 

My physical health has been declining, and without health insurance it is hard to manage.  I have chronic back pain, and a brain stem injury from childhood abuse.  I am losing the ability to do the things I enjoyed, like calligraphy, crocheting and crafting.  My dominant arm and hand make it difficult for me to perform some tasks.  Between my back and my right hand, there are many jobs I simply cannot tolerate performing on a full time basis, so my job prospects are further limited.  I do not want to go on disability, as my doctor recommended, because I want to work.  I don’t mind it being difficult, I just want to be able to support myself.  Finances are always an issue; I constantly worry if I will be able to make the next month’s rent.  Because of my health, I skip doses of medication to make them last longer, but it is always a rough decision to make when I run out. Do I buy medicine, pay rent, or buy food?  Pick two, because I can’t afford all three. 

I have used my time unemployed to look at things that have been hindering my life, but they are emotional and painful to process.  There are some things I can resolve better than others.  I actively pursue a life of peace, tranquility and happiness.  In order to attain it, I must look at what interferes with it.  It contributes to feelings of depression as I grieve for the loss of things I had, as well as for the losses of things I never had.  I feel it is good work, but it is not easy.  I have reunited with my spirit, and that has been a wonderful piece of my life to have back in place. 

When you look at all the things which have affected my life in the last eighteen months, it is no wonder I struggle with depression.  From my perspective, it is a normal response for what I am facing.  I can’t classify it as an illness.  It is not a fun place to be, either, but I am not ill.  I don’t care how much serotonin is given to me artificially, until some of these things change; it will continue to affect my mood negatively.  I still work toward a better life, and toward eliminating what is interfering with my happiness.  I face challenges, but I am working to meet and overcome them.  A pill cannot fix what is causing the depression in my life right now, but an active role toward living my life will.  Some days I succeed better than others.  Today is a successful day. 

I want people to have a greater understanding of what is termed mental illness, because every emotional state is not an illness.  I do struggle with depression right now.  It is not my body that is ill; there are external factors in my life affecting my mood.  Depression is not something that should be hidden away in shame, either.  Every single person on this earth will deal with it at some point in their life.  Some people spiral down into depression so deep it requires medical treatment, and it should be viewed with the same respect as any other form of treatment.  Not all depression is an illness, but when it is, we have effective treatments available.  I have not failed in my life because I am depressed.  I am not weak in character.  I need a job, and once that is in place, the depression will not have the same hold on me as it does now.  In the meantime, I set daily goals for myself.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment.  I do my best to get out of the house and socialize, though even when I am not depressed that is a challenge for me.  People annoy me. 

But most of all, I am not mentally ill because I am depressed.  I think I would be more likely to be mentally ill if I were not depressed given what I have been coping with. Some emotional states are normal and we just have to suck up and deal with it.  I have been on the other end of it, too.  I have been so depressed in my life I could not function at all.  Life was so dark I could not see the light.  I tried to dig myself out of those periods, too, but during those times, my body was sick.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not find my way out.  I needed treatment, and it was a long road back to health.  Even then, an antidepressant was not the magic pill that cured the darkness.  I had to work at getting well, because deep depression twists your thoughts to darken reality.  Depression should not be taken lightly, because just like pain, it is an indication that something in your life or body is not working as it should.  The line between normal response and illness is different for everyone, but whenever it appears, it needs to be paid attention to and not stuffed away in the closet of our heart.  I believe we are meant to live a life with meaning and happiness.  When something interferes with that, shoving it away is not the answer, acceptance and action is. 

So until I have more power to change the things in my life causing me distress, I accept I will not always be my happy little self.  I will try not to fear the future, but to embrace what enters my life.  I will be grateful for what I have, and not feel sorrow for what I do not.  I will strive to make the best of each day, and keep faith my world will change.  I will create a sense of accomplishment with my time, and set goals I can reach.  I will take each day as it comes, and find joy in the simple things, like my dog.  Most of all, I refuse to allow my thoughts to defeat me, my thoughts are not reality, and can be refuted.  My thoughts are old tapes and insecurities which need to be taped over.  I only need to hit the record button.