Taking Out The Trash

Found some old love letters from my second ex-husband……got a good laugh out of them considering he REALLY doesn’t feel that way now!  Thought I would share the ex-spousal joy with you!

To My Charisse:                                                                                                                                                                23 July “94”

I sure do miss you when we are apart.  But I know that even when we are apart, we are still together.  It is a good feeling and knowing that the trust we have is special and that not every couple has it.  I truly do love you.  And that will never change.  (I think it did…..just guessing here since we are divorced and he remained bitter to the better end!)  You have a lot of studying to do so I will keep it short and sweet.  I love you.  I adore you.  I sure do miss you when you are out of my sight, tough, or hearing.  Got to go now,   Your Eddie Always…..

Your Loving Eddie

PS You have a nice smile and I love seeing it.  My Doctor to be, Love ya!

End of this letter.

To My Dearest Charisse                                                                                                                Undated

I love you so much I just can’t believe it!  Who would have ever guess it.  I mean that is soooooo large.  That well, when I think about it.  It takes my breath away.  And when you smile that makes me ever so happy.  My Beautiful Charisse, I truly do love you.  And if you haven’t seen me yet I am right behind you.                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                Love your Eddie

                                                                                                                                                Your Always

End of this letter.  I wonder how long always is?  Can’t be too long, but he must not have been mine, because you know that old saying……If you love something, let it go.  If it was yours, it will come back to you.  If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.  I’m not waiting on him to come back to me…….

Charisse                                                                                                                                                               Undated

Hi love I enjoyed having lunch with you.  I just want to say for the record!  I love you. More.    I have to go for now so I will see you between 4:30 or 5:00  I’ll see you then Love you Eddie

                                                                                                                                                Your Loving Eddie

End of this letter.

Charisse                                                                                                                                                               Undated

You are the best (I’m thinking he changed his opinion on this thought as well.  Or at the very least he confused You are the best with You are the Bitch.  Yeah, that’s what it was; he is just confused a little.)  And I love you MORE!  I hope you are having a good day.  Can’t wait until I see you.  And we are together again.  Got to go.                                                                                                      Love your Eddie

End of this letter. 

Before you my life was very cold and dark.  (I think it was afterwards too, so nothing changed there.)  I just existed without meaning or being.  But you are the light in my life of darkness.  (He mistook my light in the darkness for the fires of hell and damnation, easy mistake, anyone could have made it.)  You give me a new state of being and meaning.  I am still learning about myself and the love and passion inside of me I never knew was there until you.  (Yeah, you were practically a virgin, I taught you everything I knew!)  Thank you for being you.  (I bet he would take that back if he could.)  I could ask for nothing more. (Oh, but he did!  He asked for a divorce, spousal support for his lazy ass and a restraining order.  I think he asked for quite a bit.)  You are my everything. (Until I became his nothing….)  I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love you.  My love continues to grow for you.  (huh, I think it maxed out at some point.) 

                                                                                                                                                Love Your Eddie

                                                                                                                                                Because I will always love you

                                                                                                                                                Your Eddie

The letters are edited only if any reference was made with regards to my children.  They are not fair game here, and never will be.  This is about me and how I see the world and life.  I can have fun with these letters, and laugh at myself a little at the same time, after all, I believed every word he said and every word he wrote, but anything written about my girls has been deleted. 

So just a little entertainment, say it, forget it, write it regret it.  I think if he knew these existed, he would very much regret it.  What a fun opportunity this is!  This is even more fun than when he showed up to MY daughter’s wedding while still married to me, and he escorted his pregnant girlfriend.  I laughed so much about that one.  I had a really good time at her wedding.   I think he thought it would humiliate me because I came to the wedding unescorted.  Instead, everyone saw him for the low class, piece of poor white trash he was.  He sat off in a corner with his girlfriend, alone and miserable while I fluttered from table to table greeting people and catching up on the lives I had not seen in a while.  I was the beautiful and beaming mother of the bride, and well, his actions spoke volumes.  It almost drowned out my laughter, but not quite. 

When he left me, I was hurt and confused.  I didn’t understand it and someday I am sure I will be in the mood to talk about it.  For now, I know I kept those letters as “proof” I was loved by him, that the marriage was real.  It turned real nasty, but I was loved.  I don’t need proof anymore, it doesn’t matter to me if I was loved by him or not.  I know now he didn’t deserve me in his life, because if he did, I would still be there.  So it is time to let go of these letters, and time to begin a whole new phase of my life.  How cool is it to think he probably burned the letters I wrote him in the fires of hell he mistook for my light?   Who knew they would provide such a source of lasting enjoyment?  I don’t know if this is revenge or not since I do share intimate details of my life here;  but it sure is sweet…….I’ll post more love letters later, I have lots to do in my new life and I found a pile of trash to take out.

 This was the second Part Entitled "Warning!  Taking Out the Trash Might Be Dangerous!"

This was the second marriage for him as well, so he was not completely innocent.  He was old enough to know what love was, and how it felt.  So in the interest of taking out more trash; I give you the love letters.

Undated 

I miss you.  That is about all I seem to do lately.  (I wonder if he still misses me.  I’m thinking he doesn’t, clearly he knows how to write a letter and I have not received one.  No phone calls, either.  Oh well, I’m moving to Arizona!)  I have been thinking about you almost all of the time.  I really miss holding and cuddling we did.  I love to wake up with you in my arms.  It is the best feeling you are beside me.  I think we are terrific together.  (I don’t know about him, but I am even better apart from him!)   And our love for one another with keep growing till it is so far past any other relationship.  That no one can ever compare.  (No, we compared quite well, we fit in with the divorce statistics right in the normal range.)  The feelings I feel for you keep growing even when we are apart.  (Wow, they must be awesome by now!)  And it’s only been a few months.  Give it a few years.  (I did, and it did not turn as you predicted.)  What an awesome thought.  (So, now I find out the divorce was premeditated?  Now I know)  I love you and I will be happy when I can show you instead of just telling you. 

I am going to try to sleep now.  I was going to try to stay up until you called but I am tired and nee my sleep.  Hope you do call, because I really am missing you now.  (Darn, and I lost his number?  Anyone have it?  Joking!)  It’s 11:30 so I will see you tomorrow.  I love you.  Forever and Always.  You are my best friend.  (I have been replaced in the BFF category!)  Goodnight.                                      Your Eddie Always

End of letter.  It was kinda touching, actually.  It makes me want to fall in love with him all over again.  OK, so you can see the sarcasm, but I am thinking this was written when I thought we were just friends.  I was being admired from a distance.  In Eddie’s case, it should have stayed that way! 

This next letter is undated, but certain references lead me to believe it was written when I was in the hospital with pneumonia.

My Dearest Charisse

It has been so long since I have written to you.  I do miss the letters.  It was such a thrill to find a note from you.  Lately I know I have been distant.  (This was early on, but I didn’t see the sign!  It wasn’t sparkly, so I didn’t pay attention.)  I have been worried about you; I know you are going to get better.  But I can’t stop.  You are in my thoughts all of the time.  I do love you.  I wish you were here with me, I miss you.

Charisse, the time we spend together is cherished.  I love your soft touch, warmth, and caring I felt when you are near me.  (The fires of hell do tend to provide significant   warmth.)  You being away from me I feel a part of me is missing.   And I can’t wait to get that part back.  (What part?  What is the etiquette here and  is there a return policy?)  So you hurry up and get better, OK?  I do need you. 

End of this letter.  Notice there was no signature this time.  But I can’t see a sign if it isn’t sparkly. 

My Charisse                                                                    2 Jan “94” 

How’s the most beautiful woman this side of heaven?   That’s right, I mean you.  (Cheesy as hell, but I probably liked it.  I’m gullible like that.)  Okey, now there’s the look, I hope you slept all right last night.  Life without you is miserable, lonely, and downright lousy.  (I hope it still is!)  I miss you.  I need you.  I want you.  I think you need to hurry up and get better because I would like to do things to you.  (I’m pretty sure this statement is still true, but the intention of it has changed significantly.  And these were written when I had pneumonia.)  I know, what type of things?  Well, they are too numerous to mention.  (I’m sure there is a long list somewhere, this is a man who never forgets, never forgives and is vengeful.)  At this present time because I am tired.  I need to sleep and think of more things.  Okey, Okey, then back to what I was doing.  That’s right, writing about things.  A hint.  Nice, pleasurable, exotic, romantic and heartstopping.  Well, this paragraph has run on long enough.  (I’ll say it has, I was bored with Okey.)

Honey I miss you.  The last several days has been a new experience for me.  It will be nice when you get well.

End of letter, again, no signature.  The sign wasn’t sparkly so I missed it.

Dear Charisse                                                                          Undated

Had a minute so I decided to write you a little note.  My day so far has been OK I guess.  I have gotten quite a bit done.  So I thought I would write.  My thoughts are so busy lately.  Of the perfect family, if there is such a thing.  I know my experience in family life in the past is not what I want.  Meaning that so far my life has been full of broken promises and a lot of anger.  The anger I felt for my mother was placed as a shield.  (He held onto the anger for his mother the entire time I knew him.  He refused to forgive her, I guess I should have seen how angry and vengeful he was, but I always wanted to see the good in people.  And like every other idiot woman out there, I thought my love could heal his broken heart, and I could help him forgive his mother….especially since I have done such a bang-up job forgiving mine.)  So that I wouldn’t hurt anymore.  And the broken promises of my father did hurt.  But I can say I never done without.  At least my father tried. 

The time I spend with you is really cherished.  I just hope in time I can be the best husband and friend to you.  I’m pretty sure I can do that.  (Miserable failure in this regard!)  I dream of great things in my future.  (That’s all it was, too, was a dream.  Oh, wait a minute, that one turned into a very bad dream.)  Together we can find true happiness.  (Maybe not)  I have to get back to work now.  So when you read this, I will be in your presence.  Got to go now.  Can’t wait to hold you, love and admiration always.                                              Love Eddie

End of letter.  He did sign this one, but not as Your Eddie…..the crumbs were falling off the cake!

This batch wasn’t quite as humorous; I found them a little sad, actually.  Not so sad I won’t take them out with the trash, but still, a bit sad.  I’m guessing nothing ever changed for him.  His mother died recently, and though I did my best to encourage him to forgive her, I don’t believe he ever did.  It is very sad, because this woman was not evil like my mother, she had some serious mental health problems, and I also think she had some mild MRDD though she did graduate from high school.  She loved her children and she made some mistakes.  During one of the last years I was with him, she wrote him a long letter, admitting her failings as a mother and asking for forgiveness.  She wrote the same letter to all three of her children.  Only one did, that I am aware of.  She also wrote a similar letter to Eddie’s dad, her former husband.  It was interesting because it was genuine.  She did not write it in hopes of getting her ex-husband back; she wrote it because she wanted to make amends where she could.  I held her in great respect for this.  My father in law was also respectful of her efforts and did make a point of letting her know he held no anger towards her and he forgave her of her mistakes.  That’s the kind a man my father in law is, though.  If only his son had learned by his example. 

We seem to be getting back on the subject of mothers, though I have enough on my plate to deal with at the moment.  I respected this woman so much for her genuine efforts to make amends with her children; I think it may be one of the reasons I have yet to forgive my own mother.  My mother never made even the smallest of gestures.  I have always wanted to forgive my mother, and I believe had she made a similar statement, I would have been happy to forgive her.  She would not have to admit to anything specific, all I would need is an admission from her she made mistakes as a mother she is sorry for.  Don’t we all?  I know I have made mistakes as a mother to my children, and I hold dear to my heart they have the capacity not to judge me as harshly as I judge my mother.  I hope they have the capacity to forgive me, where I seem to lack the capacity to forgive mine.  It seems to me I really desire to grant my mother the forgiveness she deserves; I simply need to find a reason to forgive her.  Should my spirit be as wise as it could be, I would not require a reason to forgive her.  I would forgive her simply because it is the right thing to do.  Where have I applied that logic before?  It worked with my father, this doing the right thing, how can I make it work with my mother?  My spirit knows I need to forgive my mother, and that is why it keeps it at the forefront of my thoughts, though; my life has more than enough in it to keep me well occupied. 

I am also starting to sense urgency to this; otherwise it would not keep popping up in the most unlikely of places.  This was the last place I would have thought to look for a lesson in learning to forgive my mother.  My spirit tells me wherever my mother is; she is nearing the end of her life, though I cannot know this from any fact.  I am usually right about things when I listen to the voices of my spirit.  That is also why there would be an increasing sense of urgency in this matter.  My mother will need forgiveness if she is to transition into the next state as a soul who has grown.  I will need to forgive my mother for the advancement of my own growth, both emotionally here on earth, and in a spiritual sense.  Forgiveness after transition would not be beneficial to my mother.  Should I die prior to forgiving her; the consequences to my spirit will be notable.  I have a great deal to accomplish, as if starting a new life were not enough to try to do.  I am listening better to the voices of truth, and that is half the battle.  I know I must continue to explore forgiveness for my mother, and maybe in doing so, forgiveness for myself.  Maybe the reason I can’t forgive my mother for the mistakes she made is because I can’t forgive myself for the pain I have caused my children.  I have always been my own harshest critic.  Finally, I have something that makes sense, but it only adds to my burden of forgiveness.  I am and have been willing to forgive my mother.  Do I have the humility and courage to forgive myself?  I think that it is the primary obstacle in forgiving my mother, because I would also have to forgive myself.  I can’t even begin to imagine how I can accomplish that.  I have battled all the demons of hell and emerged a stronger person for it.  I don’t know I can battle with this one and win.

Wow, I thought this was going to be more fun than it was.  I guess I learned I should be careful when digging around long lost letters, and if I dig around in the trash long enough, I might find something I didn’t want to see.