I Get By (With a Little Help From My Friends)

I have spent the last month saying goodbyes.  I have run a gamut of emotions, sometimes a bunch of them all at once.  Even when you are certain a decision is the right one, like I am about this, it doesn’t mean there won’t be fears, worries and doubts.  I could say some of my fear is because I haven’t done anything of this magnitude in my life.  That would just be something I tell myself, though.  My life has been filled with leaps.  Though I rarely recognize it in any other forum, my life has been about courage, even though I have always felt powerless.

When I left an abusive husband with nothing more than $35.00, my girls and the clothes on our backs it took courage.  I saw it as the only thing to do, I had no other choice.  I didn’t see it as an act of courage, though in retrospect, I guess it was.  The fact I stayed away from him and engaged in a five year court battle to keep my girls safe from him, took courage.  I did this at a time when father’s rights were coming to the forefront and joint custody was almost always awarded, yet I knew my girls were not safe with him.  He stalked us when he knew where we lived at a time when there were no stalking laws.  I moved several times, changed our names and risked my own freedom to get those girls safe.  It took courage to fight a system that labeled me as the crazy one.  I still did not see it as courage, but the only thing I could do.  I had no other choice. 

I emerged from a profoundly abusive childhood as a woman of character.  It took courage to face and admit the type of person I was taught to be, and to change the person I was into someone I could look at in the mirror.  Most people would have looked the other way, or made excuses for themselves.  I made no excuses.  I battled and beat anorexia/bulimia before it was the recognized fad illness it became.  I thought it would be something I would have to struggle with the rest of my life, but I know what is important about me does not reflect my in body shape, and it never has. I have learned to accept I am different than most people, and see it as an asset, not a social disease.  Yet again, I did not see these as courageous, just things that had to be done.  I had no other choice.

I fought battles with the courts and with children’s services, fighting for what was right with my daughter.  I was demonized and labeled uncooperative when I wouldn’t allow my daughter to be placed in an institution for other children “like her.”  I fought to keep her in a regular classroom, when the advice of experts wanted me to place her in a specialized classroom if I would not send her out of state to the institution they wanted.  I knew if my daughter was to have a chance at a normal life, she had to learn to live in the society we had, not one contrived for her.  Turns out I was right, my daughter is doing just fine on her own.  Again, I did not see this as courageous, just what I had to do. 

My ADHD was misdiagnosed many years ago as Bipolar disorder, and what followed was nothing less than unmitigated hell.  The medications they put me on made me feel bad, and I got worse.  This continued over a number of years until I became psychotic and attempted to take my own life.  Even as I kept getting worse, no one thought the medications might be making me worse; no one thought the diagnosis might be wrong, they just kept piling on more medications.  When a very smart doctor finally got in front of me, I was on fourteen medications all which were at or above the recommended dosage range.  I struggled for my own sanity as I tried to navigate my life through the haze of medications, and the numerous side effects.  When the doctor weaned me off all the medications, I could see and think clearly for the first time in a very long time.  Now I had to convince everyone else I was sane, it was the medications that made me crazy.  That was a tough feat, and in the end, my only ally was time.  It has been over ten years since I have been on any of those medications, and no depressions, psychosis, anxiety disorders, agoraphobia or paranoia since.  I came back from medication induced psychosis and rebuilt the life it tore away.  That took courage. 

I have been homeless twice in my life and rebuilt a good life for myself both times.  That also took courage, strength and will power.  I survived two broken marriages, each of which left me shattered in different ways.  Despite this, I am willing to love again.  I have raised three beautiful and wonderful daughters primarily on my own AND throughout all of this. I cannot say that is nothing short of a miracle.  Somewhere in and amongst it, I struggled to get even the tiny education I did, becoming an LPN.  I did this without knowing I was ADHD, just knowing how hard it was for me to struggle.  I also knew I was dyslexic, but no one was really talking about it yet, nor did they have any “tools” to help guide you through it.  Dyslexia is more than just seeing some letters and numbers backwards; I also sometimes see concepts and similar words backwards.  Now I know the ADHD and Dyslexia prevented me from learning and receiving the education I wanted for myself.  Everyone keeps telling me how smart I am, yet I never have been able to achieve anything I considered notable.  I felt I was a failure because I couldn’t succeed at college courses. 

There is a separation between self and writing, so in this forum I can sneak a peek at what I have achieved in my life.  If I were reading about someone else, I might even say I was impressed at what they have done with their life, given the challenges they faced.  Knowing I am describing my own life, however, makes it difficult for me to accept I did anything courageous.  I see the things I did as simply what I had to do.  Going to Arizona is simply something I have to do, though many people have complimented me on my bravery.  I don’t feel brave, but I am very connected with my spirit and I know this is what I must do.  I don’t know why, but Arizona is where I need to be. 

The thing about achievements though, is they never occur in isolation.  That is, I have had the help of wonderful people throughout my life.  There has always been someone there to help, support, guide and encourage me as I went about my battles.  Most of those people are right here in Ohio, and I am going to have a hard time leaving them.  The wonderful thing about Facebook is I’m not leaving them in a sense; I will still be a part of their life, but through a distance. 

People I barely knew in high school have become some of my strongest supporters, and for that I am very grateful.  Laura Reynolds is always there to be silly with me, and is thoughtful and compassionate when I need her to be.  Tania Matheny Johnson is always there, whatever the need may be though her life is pretty busy at the moment.  Paula Dillion laughs and encourages me as well, and we share some of the experiences I write about.  She is one of the biggest supporters of my blog and I appreciate that.  I can’t wait until I get settled and can get back to writing Untitled.  I can’t remember saying two words to Paul Bozsik or the Howe’s in high school, though I do remember them, yet they are always there with encouragement.  Paul was especially worried about me having a good time at my party, but I didn’t have a good time.  I had one of the best nights of my life, thanks to all who came.  Connie Trenta and Chris Centea are quieter, but also two people who are always supportive.  Gina Knowlton Rowles is always nearby with some helpful advice, or at least a wise crack to make me laugh.  These are people who have entered my life recently, and help me out when I’m having a day when I doubt I can do this.

There are people I have met on the internet, people I have never met in person who have become an integral part of my life.  Emma Alexander and Rachel Paulson have been two people who are always on the chat, willing to cheer me on.  I will be meeting Rachel and her husband soon, they are in Arizona.  Emma promises she will be seeing me shortly; she owes me a dollar and a coffee.  Emma is probably the reason Untitled got on the blog at all.  I’m not sure I would have had the courage to publish it had it not been for her.

Then there are the people who have been there all along, like my girls and Jennifer Keaton.  There hasn’t been too much I haven’t been through with Jennifer.  She was one of two people who saw what the medication was doing to me and raised an alarm.  She did everything she could to get me a doctor who figured out I am not Bipolar, which flew in the face of many other opinions.  All these years later, it is clear I am not Bipolar and I never was, but Jennifer’s faith in me helped bring me through one of the darkest struggles of my life, the struggle for my sanity.  She stood by me when I was trying to get help for my daughter, and refusing to ever give up on her.  I knew my daughter had a life to live and an institution was unacceptable.  There is Ed Wallace, my exfather-in-law.  I don’t know how he became one of my biggest supporters, but I am very grateful he did.  He also saw the medication was ruining me, and through everything that happened with his son and me, he thought I deserved a break.  Those are just a few of the people who helped me get to where I am today, and I appreciate their place in my life.  I feel honored they choose to be a friend to me, and want me to be a part of their life. 

So you see why I don’t see anything I do as courageous.  I just do what needs to be done…with a little help from my friends.  This next step in the journey of my life will be no different.  I’m just doing what I need to do, and my friends are right there with me while I’m doing it.  Nothing great is ever done in isolation.  It always takes a few friends willing to quietly sit in the background, most of them never getting the recognition for their role in an achievement.  I recognize the people in my life, both past and present, which have helped me to get to where I am today, and will be there for my tomorrows.  Though I don’t know where my future may lead, I know there will be friends not far behind.  Thank you, all my friends for your constant support.