Gay Chatter

I have a cousin named Joey.  Growing up, I played with my cousins fairly often.  Joey, his brother Gary, another cousin Debbie and sometimes my brothers got along with each other reasonably well.  We all knew Joey was “different” but we didn’t know what that different was, we just accepted that was Joey.  When Joey entered high school, he wanted to twirl the baton and lead the Barberton Magics All Brass Band.  He was the drum major.  Of course, my family made a great deal of fun of him because of it.  I didn’t understand why they made fun of him, he was just Joey, and he was different.  Different did not equate to making fun of him to me.  I liked Joey.

Growing up, we used the term “queer” a lot to describe things that were weird or strange.  It was not a derogatory term, at least not yet.  I might have heard the terms fag or faggot, but I didn’t know what they meant, so it did not have an impact on me.  It wasn’t until I was an adult and I started to learn what fag, faggot, homo, homosexual, gay, lesbian and by then, queer meant.  I found out in church.  I didn’t really understand it; I thought two men together having sex was gross, and I didn’t see why they would want to, but I was perplexed as to why my minister was calling it an abomination.  The God I met when I was six would not feel that way, that much I was sure.  I had to find out more about homosexuals and lesbians before I made any type of decision how I felt about the whole thing.

About that time, some of the issues regarding homosexuality were just coming into a national discussion.  There was discrimination.  There were gay pride parades, and just like the blacks before them, there were beatings and deaths as a result of prejudice.  The heightened emotions surrounding people who were gay gave me pause.  I watched some homosexuals in the media and noticed they displayed some of the mannerisms I remember in my cousin Joey.  That was the “different.”  I just didn’t have a term for it when I was little.  No one in my family talked about Joey being gay, and though I strongly suspected he was, I didn’t bring it up either.  Given all of the prejudice surrounding sexual orientation, I did not want to stir anything up in my very prejudicial family.  I liked Joey, and the fact I now knew what the “different” was bore no impact on how I felt about him, nor how I viewed him.

Then I started hearing some strange things being discussed.  My church already viewed it as an abomination and also like many other churches, started educating their flocks about homosexuality when they did not know the first thing about it. Besides using the terms abomination and sin, which I vehemently disagreed with, ministers started talking about homosexuality as a choice.  People who were homosexual said it was not their choice, even as a child they felt the different I had seen in my cousin Joey.  Though I had been open-minded on the matter because I was ignorant about it, I was starting to see I would not find the knowledge I wanted in a church.  I knew my cousin all his life and I did not believe young children can choose their sexuality.  I know I didn’t choose to be heterosexual, I just am.  As far as ignorance goes, this was just the beginning, stupid people respond to matters they don’t understand with emotion and by how their peers are responding, so it was about to get ugly.

Teachers who were even suspected of being gay were forced to resign.  Just as when I was  child and good people did not want blacks teaching their children, (especially the twisted version of American History we were taught) it seemed good people did not want gays teaching their children because they were afraid gays had a secret agenda to indoctrinate impressionable minds into their culture.  That was one line of reasoning.  The other reason they didn’t want gays to teach their children was the fear that just being gay would “rub off” on their kids.  It was a ridiculous way to think. I still did not know much, but I knew being gay doesn’t rub off on you.  Homosexuality was not a virus.  They were afraid just being gay would transfer to a child.  I saw the flaws with that line of thinking right away.  Homosexuals were raised by presumably heterosexual parents, and heterosexual did not rub off on them.  The reply from the stupid population to that was always the mother’s fault.  “If you hadn’t babied him so much growing up, he would be a real man.”  So, like everything else that was ever a problem in the world, it was the mother’s fault.

Still being ignorant, I thought maybe a mother coddling her son too much might influence a male to become homosexual.  I wasn’t convinced, but kept it in my mind as a possibility. Even so, I didn't understand why homosexuals were a threat to anyone.  However, that didn’t address how lesbians came to be.  Was a woman a lesbian because the mother coddled them, or because the father was too strict and they hated men?  Lots of theories were spouted off by stupid people.  The best theory they had which I again considered as a possibility was that lesbians had been molested as children by males, or they were raped and so they turned away from the men they hated in favor of women.  I wasn’t quite buying that theory either, because from personal experience I was molested by numerous male members of my family and I had been raped as an adult.  It did not cause me to hate all men, nor did it turn me into the arms of a woman.  I still remained a heterosexual.

I didn’t know enough about homosexuals to know how I felt about the whole thing, but I knew one thing for certain.  My cousin Joey was a good, decent person.   I didn’t know any other homosexuals at the time; I only knew what I saw on TV and the trash talk shows like Jerry Springer and Maury.  That part of the “gay culture” as they called it, was offensive and cartoonish to me.  The gay parades where they dressed in garish, flamboyant clothing were also cartoonish.  Then their mantra “We’re queer, we’re here, get used to it” was silly, especially in conjunction with the flamboyant behavior.  I don’t know if my cousin Joey ever participated in any of them himself, but for the most part he dressed and acted like anyone else.  He was just different.  About that time, my current heart throb celebrity, George Michael from Wham, was arrested for soliciting male sex in a park somewhere.  He certainly was not garish.  I wasn’t sure I believed what was reported about him.

Much of the hatred and disrespect from the general public really stemmed from that garish behavior, because most people didn’t know of any homosexuals who did not represent that outlandish, in your face, meretricious image.  I know I found that type of behavior offensive and I didn’t understand why they were promoting an image like that if they wanted equality and respect.  Hate crimes against gays were being reported nationwide, and I believe that type of behavior and image fueled the crimes against them.  I’m not in any way saying they deserved or were at fault for any of the crimes, just that the image portrayed in the media added fuel to the fire of ignorance and stupidity.  Those images hurt their cause for respect, equality and often justice.

Then a superstar had the courage to come out with an admission of his sexuality. One of my favorite all time talented entertainers, Elton John, admitted he was gay.  He had many of the outlandish and cartoonish features, but they were disguised under the frame of artistry and entertainment.  What Elton John did not do, was to openly flaunt his relationships in public.  He conducted himself with a degree of dignity.  Public displays of overt affection were not a part of his nature.  I was often offended when gay couples were overly affectionate in public.  It was not a gay issue for me; I was uncomfortable when I saw heterosexuals displaying inappropriate (to me) intimacy in public.  I will admit that when I first started seeing gay couples hold hands, I was uncomfortable with it.  I did not find it offensive, but it was outside of the “normal” I was accustomed to, and so I was uncomfortable when I saw it. 

Then something happened that changed the game entirely, and fueled the rage against homosexuals.  AIDS started sweeping the nation and we did not know much about it, but it seemed to be a disease primarily in the gay population.  AIDS was such a destructive illness; fear quickly gripped the nation, which soon mounted to terror and panic. Because we were not certain how it was spreading at the time, it pounded fear into the hearts of homosexuals and heterosexuals alike.  I was one of the few health care providers who would care for AIDS patients at the time because we did not understand yet how it was contracted.  Nurses blamed the AIDS patient for the illness and little compassion was exhibited in the care of those who were diagnosed with it.  I saw what it did to people and it was nothing less than horrific.  I don’t know of another disease that ravages the body like AIDS does.  My heart bled for those patients who were abandoned by their family, and feared by health care providers.  I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them.  Even in a care setting, they were isolated to their rooms, and human contact was minimal.  I had no prejudice or judgment to place upon the patients I cared for because that disease was so brutal I did not believe any human being deserved it.  I was afraid to care for them as well, and I followed the protection precautions advised at the time, but I did not stay in the room any longer than required to complete my task.  One patient told me the isolation was worse than knowing he was dying.  I felt awful for running in and out of his room.  I wanted to spend time talking to him like I would any other patient, but I was afraid of the disease myself.  We were told to limit contact until we knew more about how it was spread.  Secretly I was afraid for my cousin, who had not yet come out of the closet.

AIDS fueled the righteous indignation for the moral majority.  It gave them a cause to spread their prejudice and hate while calling it faith and religion.  I still had not come to much of a conclusion about homosexuality, but that sealed my belief in church and religion.  I wanted nothing to do with a population who believed it was God’s punishment for the way they were living their lives, and who they chose to live it with.  If God truly behaved in such a manner, then some of those fine church people who were only dutiful on Sunday surely would have had some type of disease or affliction for how they lived their lives the other six days of the week.  As far as churches went, I was done.  I was not done with God, just how he was being portrayed.  I knew my God, though my version has yet to fit with mainstream Christianity or many other religions for that matter.

The nation was in turmoil over homosexuality and AIDS, but it was about to get much worse.  The media got a story of a young child, a teenager named Ryan White who was diagnosed with AIDS.  The terror and panic of the stupid were now reaching frenzied levels and I had never seen such hatred and violence.  He was a child, and he had never had sexual intercourse with a man, nor was he a drug addict who shared needles.  He did have a disease called Hemophilia, which required frequent blood transfusions.  That was the first major break in discovering how AIDS was spread because Ryan White was unfortunate enough to receive a transfusion from someone who probably did not yet know they were infected.  Ryan White was not permitted to attend public school.  His family had messages of hatred painted on their home, and rocks with hateful notes were thrown through their window.  His mother became so fearful for their safety they had to move.  How anyone could blame this child for being unfortunate enough to contract this disease was beyond me.  Through all of it, Ryan White conducted himself with a grace and dignity measured far beyond his years.  He and his mother went public about it on the Oprah show, and other credible media.  Though he never asked for it, his face and name became synonymous with AIDS.  AIDS was becoming a cause and Ryan White was its rocket fuel. 

It wasn’t until Paul Michael Glaser and his wife Elizabeth Glaser became the national spokes persons for AIDS that people finally started to see it as a disease that recognized no income level, no sexual orientation, no age, and no degree of righteousness.  Elizabeth Glaser contracted AIDS the same way Ryan White did, through a blood transfusion.  Since AIDS begins as the HIV virus, and people who are infected can carry the virus while remaining asymptomatic for a few years, Elizabeth unknowingly passed the disease to her children.  Their daughter Ariel died of the disease in 1988.  Paul Michael and Elizabeth Glaser testified in congress to obtain more funding for research and to educate the public about it.  They also founded The Pediatric AIDS foundation because an alarming number of children were being diagnosed, born from addicted mothers who shared their needles with others.  Elizabeth Glaser died in 1994.  Fortunately for their son Jake, enough research had emerged he remains HIV positive.  It has not converted to AIDS because of the tireless work of his parents to demand more research funding from congress and their efforts founding The Pediatric AIDS foundation.  Elton John, Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson all contributed greatly to what we now know is a preventable disease, and if a person does become HIV positive, it is not a death sentence. 

Despite new evidence related to AIDS, the nation’s blood supply became at risk for a while until they were able to isolate risk factors and develop tests to identify the virus in the early stages.  People still used AIDS and homosexuality as an excuse to commit heinous crimes against their fellow human beings.  Prejudice remained rampant.  Ellen DeGeneres was an up and coming comedian who was fortunate to star in her own television series. It was a very funny show.  Her last season on the air, Ellen’s character was tired of being set up on dates or questioned about dating and came “out of the closet’ to her friends.  The uproar about a gay character on primetime television was swift.  Advertisers pulled their revenue based on the moral outcry from the ignorant.  Children had to be protected from such filth!  Why couldn’t they just keep it in the closet?  I lost one of my favorite TV shows because of the misguided moral injustice which arose from the Sunday pew warmers.  Ellen’s career died immediately as a result.  It took great courage for her to allow her character to be gay, knowing what it might cost her.  The network executives approved airing the episode.  They should be ashamed for not having the courage to solicit more tolerant advertising revenue; and shame on them for not having the courage to stand by their decision to air the episode and to defend that decision in the face of public ignorance.  I am thrilled that Ellen’s courage did not cost her career; her career just took a little break.

We were making progress in how we viewed homosexuality as a whole, and we still are.  A number of celebrities and other respected professionals have helped to promote a much different image of homosexuality than the flaming gays I was first introduced to.  Those people helped me to identify more with them as people not so different from myself.  I always knew my cousin Joey was gay, but as a child I didn’t know the term for it, or what it meant to be homosexual.  Since then, he “came out” to my family.  Some family members were shocked, of course.  He felt he had to “come out” because he was infected with HIV, and at that time it was still unclear how much benefit the antiviral drugs were going to provide.  When he told me, I smiled and informed him I already knew, and had known for a very long time.  He was surprised by this; he thought he had hidden it very well.  He might have hidden it well from some people, but I always knew he was different.

I had a friend by the name of Leah.  She was an older woman and married when I met her.  I knew she was gay, too.  I never said anything because at the time in her world, she did what society had expected of her and got married, had a son.  This was her second marriage.  She spent her entire life depressed and unhappy because she was trying to be what society told her she should be, she wanted to be “normal.”  She was normal, but she was trying to fit her life in a round hole when she was square.  It wasn’t working for her.  After decades of intensive counseling, she finally told her husband and filed for divorce.  She also told all her friends she was gay as well.  Like Joey, she was surprised to discover I already knew and it didn’t matter to me.  There is such a thing as “gaydar” but I find it to be wholly inaccurate.  There have been people who I come to find out are homosexual, and I never would have known.  Maybe it is because they weren’t close friends of mine, or maybe it is because they exhibited less of the traits I grew accustomed to grouping with someone who is gay.  Stereotypes are a dangerous thing.  It can classify people into categories they do not belong in, and never recognize some who do. 

Homosexuals fought a long battle on the right to adopt children.  The Catholic Church and other Christian charities are still trying to prohibit gay couples from legally adopting children.  They use a moral basis for their denial, but it is still just prejudice under the guise of morals.  I used to hear people say that gay couples should not adopt children because their lifestyle would be detrimental to a child.  It is again placing a judgment on a person’s sexual orientation as being an abomination.  The pew warmers were worried that homosexual couples would raise an entire nation of gays and they would one day take over the world!  It never ceases to amaze me the blinders people put on their own eyes.  Weren’t these awful homosexuals raised in a heterosexual environment?  Clearly, sexual orientation is not linked to the environment in which one is raised.  Nor is it linked specifically to abuse or rape.  Homosexuality is not the moral decay of our country.

I find it disturbing that as a society, we are still labeling homosexuality as something decent people don’t do.  Homosexuality and decency are not related.  I have drawn some conclusions about homosexuals over the years because of my experience with my cousin and my friend.  I know homosexuality is not a choice.  I know no amount of religion or desire will change sexual orientation.  I know homosexuals have the same noble characteristics and the same flaws as everyone else.  I know they are people who deserve the same rights as any other person living in America. 

Those rights include the right to marry, and for it to be recognized as a marriage, not a civil union.  I didn’t understand for a long time why it mattered what their union was called as long as it carried the same legal protections and followed the same types of divorce proceeding as the term marriage provides.  It isn’t so much about the term as what it represents.  The term marriage has a long history with specific connotations that a civil union does not.  It indicates a sacred and spiritual aspect of the joining together of two people who love each other.  Marriage is to be taken with a degree of gravity, and should not be entered into if the intent is not to form a lifelong commitment.  Civil Union sounds like a contract I might be signing to get my house remodeled.  The term civil union does not represent the spiritual and sacred bond we consider marriage to be, but most of all any other term would be divisive.  We all check the appropriate boxes on forms:  single, widowed, married, divorced.  Adding the term Civil Union makes someone identify their sexuality in a way I am not expected to do.  I might be single, but no one knows if I am a single heterosexual or a single homosexual.  A person’s sexuality should not be a box they have to check.  A person’s sexual orientation is a deeply personal matter and it should be the choice of that person to reveal it when and if they desire to do so.  It is about equality, and accepting a term other than marriage is not recognizing the equality of a homosexual union.  The only argument about using the term marriage to unify two homosexual partners is coming from the Sunday pew warmers, some of which do not want to be classified in the same box as a homosexual.  Some of them are terrified everyone else will find out their secret; that they, like my friend Leah, are homosexual.  They are living an unauthentic life, a miserable life, but it is a life they view as being righteous.  Righteousness is over rated. 

This all entered into the chatter in my head because I had dinner last night with some classmates from high school.  They were talking about some of their friends who they knew to be gay, even while they were in high school!  I was so clueless, but like I said, I don’t think I knew what those terms meant until I was an adult.  When they mentioned a couple of names, I thought, yes, I see that.  Some part of me knew they were gay even in high school, but I didn’t have the term to identify them as such.  It doesn’t really matter anyway.  It did not change how I viewed them as people.  I like the way I categorize people because it is very simple.  People are either mean, or not mean.  Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.