Sex and Pussy; A Journey Through the Decades Part 11

I recommend everyone be loved with an abandoned passion at least once in their lives.  Passion is fiery, hot and intense.  Most of the time it burns out and leaves us hurt, but damn is it worth the ride.  Once in a great while, it transforms into a deep and abiding love.  That's the fairy tale we all seek to find.  It's rare and we are willing to make any sacrifice, pay any price in order to have it.  Along the way, we set ourselves up for one hurt after another trying to transform the wrong person into the ultimate love.  After a few of these, we will never find what we are looking for because we have invested too many times in the wrong ones.  I had the passion, and was loved with Marty and Gordon but they were not the right man at the right time.  We were in different places in our lives.  It hurt immensely to separate from them, but I wouldn't have changed the experience to avoid the pain.  If I learned anything in my time with them, this was the most important lesson of all.  Sometimes the relationship ends and it is painful, but the pain was worth the love I had while it lasted.   

I no longer felt shame with sex, but I wasn't willing to own my sexuality.  I had to justify it somehow, so I wouldn't look in the mirror and see a slut or a whore reflected.  I couldn't accept sex is a natural and healthy part of being an adult. To deny ourselves sex makes about as much sense as denying ourselves medical care or food.  Sex is as necessary as food, water or companionship. There are vital hormones released during orgasm, and they serve to perform many functions for our body.  There are as many reasons to have sex as there are drops of water in the ocean, and all of them are valid.  I had learned a lot from Amber, she was important in my sexual growth and in accepting myself as a sexual human being.  She had been a prostitute and told me a lot of stories about what men did with her.  Some were pretty bizarre.  She doesn't have a healthy perspective on sex, but neither did I.  Between the two of us, we were meeting our perceptions in the middle and we were becoming better people as a result.  Sex is complicated, and there is a lot to figure out about it.  I think keeping our children in the dark and having a "just say no" attitude is profoundly harmful.  It has taken me my entire adult life to unravel the damage done by religion and abstinence programs, and I still have such a long road ahead of me to understand what human sexuality means.  The discussion has begun thanks to people speaking out about their own experiences.  I think it is incredible.   

I was about to enter into a new sexual realm, the threesome.  Marty wanted to have one, but he wanted another woman and we couldn't agree upon a partner. In no way was he about to allow another man into the mix.  Part of the reason we couldn't agree on another partner was because I truly loved him.  I never wanted another woman entering into the intimacy I shared with him.  When I love someone, intimacy means I will share sexual acts with them I would never share with someone on a hookup.  There are also things I will do with a hookup I would never do within a relationship, and bringing a third partner into sex was one of them.  I can't share a man I love when it come to something as personal as sex.  

I was getting a reputation for dating younger men, and part of that is because younger men do not have the expectations men my age seem to have.  Men my age treat women as their responsibility.  Sadly, they expect women to fulfill the role of a dependent but frequently and massively fail as their role as the protector, the provider.  Some are even angry women function in the role of a dependent as they place them in that role.  Those same men then complain how women "use" them. The hair on the back of my neck stand up and my arms burst out in goosebumps when I hear a man complain of being used in the same breath he offers to pay for something for me, even if it is simply dinner.  I know this is a man who expects to be repaid in some way for his "kindness."   They don't seem to understand if they help a woman, it cannot be with the expectation of some type of a repayment.  It is an impossible position for a woman to find herself in.  Younger men do not seem to have this paternal idea of a relationship.  The younger men I have been with treat me as an equal, even as they pay for the dates.  They don't seem to expect a sexual repayment nearly as much as the older men.  It allows me to feel easier within the conversation, and my time with them is spent getting to know them rather than trying to figure out how to keep myself safe.   

I met two guys in a bar one night and I couldn't make up my mind which one to go home with.  I suggested as a "joke" I should go home with them both.  They agreed!  Then I got nervous.  I had never been in a threesome before and I didn't know how that was going to work.  It actually worked out pretty well.  I had two men totally devoted to my pleasure.  I didn't have to worry about if I was going to get something out of having sex (some men think only of themselves) because when one was tired, the other was not.  The only thing I had to think of was which one I paid attention to since there was only one of me.  They figured that out between them.  They had a playful rivalry between them and I was the reward.  We were a sandwich and I was the meat.  It was fantastic!  The sex was a great deal of fun, even without an emotional attachment.  This was the first time I had sex exclusively for the adventure of it.  I didn't trade pussy for anything other than the experience.  It was absolutely liberating!  I didn't have that empty feeling afterwards like I did when I traded pussy for comfort or solace.  I left the house with a smile on my face, satisfied I was a sexual adult.  It was the first time I felt like a complete sexual woman, owning what I did and unashamed I did it.   

I still fell into a patriarchal mindset within relationships.  This made it difficult for me to own my sexuality at all times, and nothing would prepare me for the sexual devastation my second husband was about to rain down on me.   

I met my second husband through Amber.  He was her next door neighbor.  I dismissed him at first because he was in no way attractive.  In fact, he was downright ugly.  He was no one I would consider dating, and I never really did. He snuck into my life by playing on the pretense of being a good guy.  Amber, Eddie and I were the Three Musketeers in the bar hopping realm.  We went out almost every weekend and had a great deal of fun.  One night he dropped me off at my house and he kissed me.  I had no idea he wanted to be more than friends.  I kissed him back and he was a wonderful kisser and was filled with passion I would not have guessed he had.  He was a shy type of a person, always hanging back and unassuming.  He wasn't in any condition to drive back to his own house, so I offered him a coke.  I was so shaken up he kissed me, and more so by the fact I liked him kissing me that I went down to the basement to get him a coke and never came back.  When I finally crept back up the steps, he was asleep on the couch.  I covered him up and went to bed.  In the morning, he was gone.  

He came over more often after that, acting like he was interested in my family, like he wanted to be a husband and father.  I began to look past his looks and more into who he was.  I thought he would make a good father and husband, which was what I needed from Gordon and Marty but the one thing neither of them could be.  Over time, I didn't see how ugly he was any longer but how kind and gentle he was when he was with us.  Eventually, we took it to the next step and had sex.  We were in a relationship.  We started building a life and a family.  We would begin to build a future together and for a while, I had everything I ever could have wanted.   

I'm glad the first time we had sex it was dark because the man was hung.  Had he whipped that puppy out in the light of day, I would have told him hell no.  I have no idea how he fit inside me without hurting me.  The first few years, sex with him was incredible.  He was passionate and what he lacked in experience and imagination, he made up for in enthusiasm.  Sex was pretty much the same thing all the time.  He didn't like trying new things, and everything I did to introduce something fun into sex was met with a slow burning anger.  I had no idea he was angry, but he would make me pay for any initiative I took in making sex more enjoyable.  He would refuse to do anything around the house, or deny me something when I asked.  He would withhold his affection.  Once, I set up a hotel date for us.  It took a great deal of planning.  It was a fantasy date.  I went to a bar alone, he would come in and pretend not to know me.  We would go back to the hotel and have a grand old time, at least that was the plan.  I put a lot of work into it.  I got to the hotel room early, had cheese, crackers, champagne and fruit to eat along with some other enticements.  I brought a mix tape of my favorite sexy songs and made a trip to Victoria's Secrets.  I didn't want anything to go wrong and I was excited to have a night with my husband revolving entirely around sex.   

When he got to the bar, I was surrounded by male admirers, all younger than him and handsome.  It all started out as planned, he bought me a drink from across the bar and I went over to thank him.  We played like we didn't know one another and I slipped him the hotel key.  I left to go get ready.  I waited.  Then I waited some more.  After over an hour, he finally walked in the room, mad as hell.  He went to the wrong room and the key actually worked!  He walked in on another couple sound asleep, and climbed into bed with them.  I thought this was hysterical and I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.  He was not amused.  He had just come from the manager's office trying to find out which room I had rented.  This led to a huge fight.  The first thing that set him off was coming into a bar and seeing me talking with other men.  I tried to explain we were only talking, but I couldn't reason with him.  Then he accused me of giving him the wrong room number.  This was a wonderfully planned evening which turned into an epic failure.  I was upset he couldn't get into the fantasy, though he agreed to do it.  I couldn't understand why he was so jealous I was talking to other men in the bar when he knew nothing was going on and I was going back to the hotel room with him.  I couldn't wrap my head around how this failed, but it was one of many bitter disappointments to come.   

When I tried to introduce something new into our sexual relationship,  it was always met with suspicion.  I didn't pick up on it, attributing his reaction to his traditional values background.  There is a technique used to manipulate the prostate during intercourse which causes violent contractions and very intense sensations during intercourse.  Men usually go wild over it.  When I tried it with him, he freaked out. Apparently I am supposed to ask him before trying anything he wasn't used to doing.  OK, I learned that lesson.  It would take a lot out of the spontaneity of the moment though.  It would also make it less likely for me to try anything in the future.   

I think he thought I was having an affair.  He hated me going out with my friends and was passive aggressive to me when I did.  I always paid for having fun with my friends for weeks afterward.  He would be cold and distant to me, not doing anything around the house or talking to me.  Once when I went out with Jennifer, I was having too much fun and called him to come pick me up.  I couldn't drive home.  Drinking, dancing and having fun also makes me extremely horny so I practically attacked him as soon as his car pulled up. While he was driving, I was unzipping his pants.  He wasn't objecting, and I told him I couldn't wait until we got home.  I went down on him, but I wanted him inside of me.  I made him pull over into a church parking lot.  I fucked the hell out of him.  He was not impressed.  He was pissed.  He was mad I went out in the first place.  I said "Aren't you happy I come home wanting you so badly I can't wait?"  He said "no."  He didn’t turn me down, either.   He was slowly isolating me from any life outside of him.  I knew if I went out with friends, he would be a bastard to me for a long time after.   Our sex life, friendship and intimacy inside the marriage continued to deteriorate.  He had pretended to be someone he wasn't and couldn't keep up the charade.  He wasn't as sexually adventurous as I was and he only knew one way to have sex.  He wasn't interested in me having anything creative or interesting brought into our relationship.  Though we never discussed the number of partners directly, I don't think he had more than a couple of partners and was increasingly threatened by the experience I brought with me.  Of course, experience meant I was a slut, and in being a slut I was becoming increasingly unworthy of being his wife.   

I also read a lot.  One thing experience taught me was there was no one way to have sex.  There was an entire world of sex to be experienced and I was eager to try much of it.  I preferred to try it with my husband, and because I was married multiple partners were no longer an option.  I bought the Karma Sutra. I devoured it, wanting to bring intimacy and sex with my husband to a new level.  He didn't want any part of it.  He refused to read it and resented any new techniques.  Sex was slowly dwindling, and with it intimacy.  I couldn't accept my marriage was becoming sexless and unfulfilled.  One day, I found a bunch of pornographic magazines he had hidden.  I was furious.  He didn't seem to enjoy sex with me, but he was lusting after other women.  It was a blow to my self esteem.  I could never look like the images in the magazine.  I never told him I masturbated regularly even with having sex with him, but I was now painfully aware he would rather masturbate to those images than to have sex with me.  I never masturbated to avoid having sex.  I masturbated in addition to having sex.  He was rejecting me for paper images.